a new look, a new entry, perhaps a new outlook?

i was getting bored of the old blog so i decided to go minimalistic for the time being.
using a different style of titling as well.
something that is less processing-needy just to think up a title for every entry.

perhaps this entry can be called 'a life in review' as well.
i dunno...
have been reflecting a lot in the past few weeks, trying to come to a resolution of sorts. a resolution to what? i have no freaking idea. it just feels like i need to resolve a few things. sort things out in my head. know where i am and where i will be heading to.
it all seems so jumbled up these days; it all used to be clear and simple.

the year didnt exactly start off great, well...it didnt start off in the slightest good at all actually.
i still remember someone said that 2006 is going to be a worse year for the monkey (chinese zodiac of course) than 2005.
at that time, i thought that was impossible. guess i was wrong. it's things like this that actually makes me wonder about the credibility of astrology, even though i am not supposed to take such things seriously (lots of catholic doctrine over the years)

anyways, my general mood for the year has been less than content. more lows than highs and even the highs were passing phases that blew over and forgotten almost immediately. if you think i am exaggerating, think again. scary thoughts passed through my mind a bit too often through out the year and lasts even till now. thoughts that, until recently, i'd never thought i'd ever have; things such as cutting myself, jumping in front of a car, etc. you know what i mean. before you start going panicky and calling the madhouse or the police, let me assure you that they are just things that go through my head...that is all.

this is not watering down the good times i had with good friends and family, but they are over-shadowed very easily by the gloom that resides deep in my heart/soul/watever. i dont think anyone actually sees this at all. years and years of 'acting' happy has gotten far. i always 'acted' only when i didnt want to discuss unhappy things further with others, but now...it is on a whole different level. something as normal as shrugging off bad thoughts has become a somewhat full-time exercise. but beneath my smiles and grins usually sits a heart in pain, like a wound that refuses to heal.

but it hasnt only been lows of course. there are some highs here and there. like the time when i thought i might be able to feel again, that i might move a few steps forwards and allow myself to feel happy again, only to realise that the values that keep me in check also hindered me in perhaps finally finding a shred of happiness again. (vague and abstract? of course la, i cannot just make it too obvious and mention names here, can i?)
but that experience just left me lower than i already was. how's that for kicking a man when he's already down?

what else has happened over the year...wow...it has been a long year indeed. lets go in chronological order shall we?

spent most of this time alone but at the same time putting out fires all around me. nostalgic actually. i was doing the same just 12 months ago. of course i dont mean actual fires, just emotional ones. it's an ironic role to play. here i was, all screwed up within but yet helped friends along the way get through their difficult times.

it was also around this time when i felt that i might have moved on abit. gotten over the hurt and start to, maybe, feel happy about life again. this was short lived obviously when i realised (as usual) that my timing was @#$!%@#%. amazing! another blow just when hope was returning...talk about absolutely destroying self worth and self confidence. it really felt like fate/destiny/watever it is called is absolutely trying to drive me off the cliff of sanity. but even that passed on like another wave in the sea, pushing forward and bringing another wave behind it.

things are beginning to pick up around this time. people are returning from their holidays and things are starting to happen again. parties; clubbing; official events to go for; all good fun. but it felt really different. the fun didnt feel real because of that lingering pain in the background. things were getting out of hand. i could hardly contain the pain anymore. whether it showed or not, i dunno. ask those around me who see me often. did i look like i wanted to kill myself? i hated feeling like that. i am a strong person. someone people could come to to get help and perhaps just a listening ear. but there i was...feeling like a victim all the time; like my existence didnt matter. my conscious mind knew that isnt true, but my heart felt otherwise.

i had to battle my inner demons as past events kept on replaying to haunt me. i couldnt sleep. i hardly ate except to prevent me actually dying. that knife in the kitchen looked dangerously appealing suddenly. the pain in my chest came like unending waves of emotion that just refesed to stop no matter what i did. and with each wave, the intensity got stronger and stronger; at the peak of the pain, it really did feel like a knife was already in my heart. perhaps it was a heart attack? who knows?

but somewhere amongst all that, i still went to work everyday, i still lived life as if nothing had happened, with no one being the wiser. people started to forget. people started to act like nothing happened at all. and i just followed suit. a fool of fortune.

aside from a few people whom i still keep close contact with, by this time, i was beginning to cut myself off from the world again. i just didnt want to be hurt again. my faith in people is already close to zero. it was a weird thing. when i was with people, i was the old me, but once i am alone, it became this self-hating, people hating thing. i had no cause or reason to love anything around me anymore. i could've become reclusive, but i guess that isnt a viable choice in this day and age.

by this time, i had considered going to Japan to teach English. it was something i really wanted to do but there were responsibilities. how am i supposed to pursue my own life when i am tied down by things that i need to do? making sure the family was ok, that there was enough money for my parents, my sis. going away at this time might not be the right thing to do. being the eldest sucked. talked to AC about it once and she advised me not to give it up. there just needs to be a little bit more planning on my end. i had thought about saving a larger sum of money now so that i can send bits of it back to my parents in regular intervals. and continue doing so until my 'excursion' to Japan finished. it seems to be the plan for now...whether it will come to pass, only time will tell.

chua dropped by for a week in July as well. one of those sudden unannounced trips for him to reflect on his life direction as well. having him around for a good chat helped as well. as i helped him resolve conflicts, i too realised what i needed to do to get my things in order. well...at least for things that i can actually do. everything i had to resolve inside is still all over the place. my feeling of self-worth dwindles bit by bit everyday.

it didnt help when people all around me are hooking up , getting married, or constantly talking about how great it is to find someone they can spend the rest of their lives with.
dont get me wrong.
i am absolutely thrilled for them. they are my friends and they are good people. they deserve all the happiness they can get. the thing is, what does that leave me? i dont want pity or anything, but if the world works on a principle that good people deserve good things and a happy ending, where am i in that equation? does it mean i am not worth it? that i am not a good person? that the world finds me inadequate for happiness?
i love to see people happy (perhaps i should've been a clown or comedian) and i'd do my best to leave people i meet leaving with a sense of cheer or peace. when people i am with are happy, so am i, when they find someone who they are happy to be with, i'll support them as a friend and be happy for them, i just have to learn to accept that happiness might elude me for a long while (if not forever).

and finally we are at the present. with national day preparations and celebrations on the horizon. having dinner with close friends and spending time with them always brings me out of the rut i am in. during those moments, i dont exist in that dark place that resides in my heart. i forget that life sucks. these 2 weeks have been one of the best throughout the year. mostly because there are lots of distractions. nadia and joel moving just a block away from me, dinner on national day, the national day ball, shopping for clothes for the national day ball, EKKA...all good things. i just hope that it can keep up.

i am feeling a little happier these days but perhaps it is only because i have been preoccupied.

i guess some might say...get over it! there are people worse off than you.
i know that. DUH!! i know i am quite fortunate, no serious disabilities; not exactly poor and starving, but there are other forms of misfortunes in a person's life. it is not always about the things we can see and touch that makes us fortunate or not. isnt that so? i guess you can not really compare one with the other. the honest truth is, though we are usually/try to be compassionate about the suffering of others, what is real is what we feel ourselves. when you feel pain, what others feel is irrelevant; at least for that point in time.

just last night on my way back to the city, sitting alone in the bus, something came clearly to mind. i am feeling lonely; alone; pain in my chest again. scenes from when i was still a teen came back like an instant replay. times when i had to take a bus or train home after school alone (well...no one lived THAT near me to travel together). you still remember those days? i did. it was for some reason, peaceful. the thought of being lonely never came to mind when i was travelling home alone. it was time when i could study people, or be alone with my thoughts. flash to the present and i am sitting alone on the bus. a sense of loneliness strangling the very life out of my lungs and piercing my chest with sharp, relentless pursuit. it doesnt matter for however long or short a period of time. when i am alone, i feel this sense of being in a void, with nothing and nobody around me. i wish it would stop.

i guess the messiness and the incoherence of this entry is a reflection of my mental and emotional state right now. i wish i was timeless, drifting endlessly for eternity, with no sense of time anymore, so that i may forget this pain and perhaps find something that might fill the void that, perhaps, has been there since many years ago, but only recently became a problem.

i wonder when my next entry will come. when something interesting happens again? another long-over-due type of entry? or maybe (cross-fingers) some good news? i dunno. haha. too tired to predict anything anymore. so here's to whoever is reading this and gaining some insight into what has been going through my head in the past few months. am i in depression, no matter how mild? am i losing hope? what will become of me over time? who knows? the only thing for sure is, i was a much happier person...

No comments: