I'm Damaged But I Still Want My Christmas Wish

Day: Xmas Eve 2007
Scene: FAST Office Brisbane

I guess I am a workaholic? On my day off and I am in the office still.
Well...I am going to be in Singapore for about 3 weeks from the 27th so I setting some work affairs in order here before I leave.
So here I am! :P

The past few days has gotten me thinking again about what has happened over the last few years; memories of Joy, Peacefulness and Bliss but also Pain, Sadness and Regret. A normal thing during the festive season I guess...especially during Xmas. A time of Joy, Peace and most importantly...Hope.

Something that bugs me during this season is the knowledge that those who deserve happiness and blessings will get them. The irony is...I LOVE this 'idea' that karma, or whatever name it goes by, brings happiness to those who deserve it and takes it away from people who don't. This probably places me in the "not deserving" category immediately. Whatever I "good" I do now is only paying off the "bad" from my growing up.

Someday perhaps I might "pay off" the bad I guess. But it makes me wonder whether the scales are actually tipping (slowly or not) in my favor. The "series of unfortunate events" over the past few years seem to indicate that it hasn't. Albeit this, an old teaching from Catechism has kept me going a little everyday.

"God allows things to happen to you (good and bad) so to prepare you to handle what is coming up"

Is this true? Everyday I ask myself this question.
When will the time come when the holidays isn't a lonely period of time? It has been like that for so long that it almost feel second nature already. I am surprised that I haven't developed a seething hatred for this period of time.
Maybe the Xmas Play in Junior College helped a little. (so weird no? something so long ago and insignificant in many people's lives)
"When Hope Comes" was the title.
Back then I still fully believed in that.
That no matter how bad things turn out...Christmas is a shining beacon of light for those in the darkness of loss...sadness...loneliness.

I am damaged this way I guess. Jaded perhaps. Not as dramatic as you get from movies or television shows but a slow, quiet pained person.
I know I am not alone...this feeling is probably universal especially during the holidays. If only the world was a less cruel place. Then everyone can and will be happier.

But for now...just the next few days...I just want my wish to come true.
All I wish for this Xmas...is a little bliss.


Plans for the New Year

Sleepy so it'll be a short entry.

So lets see...what has happened recently.
I finally got that hotel suite for the New Year Party but I am trying to find ways to entertain.
Games? Alco? Maybe I'll even bring back the Nintendo. Still not confirmed. We'll see.

Still got many things to get done before I can leave Brissy for a holiday.
Gotta get my rental agreement signed.
Settle a couple of tax issues.
Buy all the pressies/things requested.
Xmas party.
Xmas @ AC's.
Xmas @ Anthea's.

Hmm...I THINK that is all...
Hmm...seems like there is still a way to go even though it is only 10 days away.
Then there'll be another 'stack' of things to do before I can relax on NYE.
At least I got authorization to work offsite from SG in case I can't get the earlier tickets back here.



Hotel Woes

OMG....planning a small gathering/getaway while I am back in SG is turning out to be a disaster. And well...it's not really a getaway. Just wanna plan a New Year's Party at a hotel room somewhere in the marina area. But trying to get a place that can hold about 10-15 people with a view for the fireworks is really beginning to bug me.

Naturally...a normal sized hotel room is not going to be sufficient in this scenario. So I am opting for hotel suites. Budget wise I can definitely cover but I still want a good deal (like a typical SGian eh?).

So where can I go?
Marina Mandarin?
Peninsula Excelsior?
Pan Pac?
If only I had money falling from the sky...then the decision might be easier.

Now Gavin says he wants to have something at his place instead this year but still confirming on that.
I already made plans with people and unless he doesnt mind a group of people he doesnt know at his place...i dont think that's gonna work out.


I hate waking up

Had a great dream...it was weird...like all dreams...but I was happy...
Why did I have to wake up?...



Got this stupid thought stuck in my head since I woke up and just needed to get it out here: "What makes a person attractive?"

So? What actually DOES make a person attractive to another?
The basic answer I believe (especially in this day and age) is how the rest of the world has programmed us into thinking, "What is attractive".

The modern world, filled with magazines and endless streaming of television, radio and advertisement tells us that slim, fit people are attractive.
For men, a V-shaped torso with well toned muscles, tall (this is relative of course), man-scaped (this is relative again of course) and for some people, a good sized penis (Haha...again...very very relative to personal preferences).
For women, it's either a thin body that seems to resemble some sort of clothes rack or a voluptuous/curvaceous body with large breasts.
Of course...this is only a very very general description of what the modern world considers attractive. Don't fault me for being brief...I am too lazy to go into details.

But in some cultures (or even normal people), contrary to this "modern" perspective of attractiveness, people who are different to this 'template' (aka, being a little on the weighty side or just being different) are considered more desirable than the stick-insect-looking women or the "Adonis" male.

This is only the physical side of things of course.
Caught Part 2 on tele a few days ago of "Dr Tatiana's Guide to Sex for All Creatures" and it was interesting what she had brought up. Human beings are the only creatures in this world that attributes more than just physical makeup and the urge to find the best Genes for their offspring when choosing their mates.

So why are humans needing of more than just physical prowess or dominance or even just good Genes to be with someone? Is it a sub-conscious realisation that physical superiority during the phases of courtship will eventually fade with time? (Come on! that young tight body of your significant other will almost definitely disappear with age) Or is there a deeper need to fill an emotional space that animals might not experience or prioritise?

Makes good reflection material I think.
Of course there are people who still conform to their animalistic urges and you see them ending up with their perfect physical specimens despite their partners' lack of intelligence, morals or even common decency. Maybe they are acting on something more primal and instinctual. The need to find the strongest of the lot out there.
Ironically, the world is slowly becoming one of mental power and not physical.
Back in the stone age...physical prowess definitely "ruled them all" but today...the computer nerd back in school will probably own the company you work in.

So what makes a person attractive to you? Maybe it's time to think about what you really want. A scene from Ugly Betty made an impact on me. It was when someone pointed out that he was not as attractive as the model in the room, but what you see there (pointing at the model) will become this (points at himself) in 20 years. It just so happens that he got there first.
Cool huh? :P

What do I find attractive? That's the question I asked myself this whole morning. Pushing past the list of physical attributes (I should be the last to even make a list...I'm not exactly Brad Pitt here...but oh well), I realised the most important thing to me is to feel like I am actually wanted. If a woman makes it clear that she wants me, for me and for me to be there, DAMN!!! that is attractive. Maybe it points to other issues I face but hey...it's who/what I am.