A Missing Feeling

Ah! Here we are...the end of another long day.
Highlights of the day:
1. New phone system in the office. Finally got my own number with personalised services. Heheheh!
2. Had lunch (WOOOOOOOOOOOW.....ROFL)
3. Going home soon (Heh...an everyday highlight)

Amidst all these "exciting" things happening...a thought...more like a realisation has been at the back of my mind since last night.
I have been feeling a sense of loss; like something is missing from my everyday life. Perhaps I have finally identified what it is.

I want to fall in love.

Just having someone in my heart again. I think I actually miss the feeling to pine for someone. To secretly hold a flame for someone. To do something special for someone. To feel my heart beat twice as fast when that person is nearby. Even if it means to have the accompanying emotions such as the feeling of unrequited feelings or knowing that that person might never find out. But all that is shadowed by the fact that I am secretly in bliss.

Maybe it is the type of movie, tv, manga or anime that I watch. But such romanticism has always played a part in my life. I need it desperately...almost as much as air. Without it, I might as well be catching my breath or even choke on the lack of it. Maybe it is a feeling I am familiar with. I mean...I have been doing it since who-knows-when. Never really having the courage to profess my feelings; afraid to even try because I know that I'll get rejected.

Nevertheless...I need to have that feeling I think. Like I said...I miss it truly. The feeling in my chest; that void; that monster; might actually be so.


Random Stuff

Sianz ah!!!
My TV still not fixed...not getting my fix of BB...noooooooooo.
Tired but not sleepy.
Warm but cold.
Alone and lonely.


Your Life is Better Than 38% of All People

Your life can be a bummer at times, but you're on the right track.
You may need new friends, a new place to live in, or a new job...
But most of all, you need a new outlook. You are your own worst enemy.
Start being thankful for what you have - and start working for what you don't.

The Dawn of BB07

Ah yes...it's the time of year again. The time of year when the inner voyeur takes a little peek out of its usual shell of a home. Big Brother is back!
"This is Big Brother"

Sigh...the weekend was boring as usual.
Chris has been trying to 'drag' me for walks in the evenings to help me get started on physical activities...which isnt bad but I need to get proper walking shoes. My old pair of sneakers are causing me back pains when I walk.

The weekend highlight was on Friday night, when a few of us gathered at Chris's place for a night of boardgames. Another highlight was when I bought a mahjong table from Yuens on Saturday. Sadly I didnt plan to get people over to play so it is now in my living room collecting dust as they say. But I am sure there'll be people over for a couple of rounds soon.

The TV Aerial went down on my floor in the building!!! I was so devastated!!! Big Brother is back on and Sunday was the opening show!!! Talk about pissed!!! Luckily Nadia lives down the road. Heh...so after my SG Club meeting and dinner with Justin, I went over to Nadia's to watch the opening show. Yay!!!

So aside from these little excitements...the rest of the week was pretty much sullen. Just didnt feel happy. Often I recalled the times when I was in uni and the only worries I had were assignment deadlines and what I'll have for the next meal. Ah...the good ol' days. I wish I could get over this rut soon. I think my in-action might be the cause. Or perhaps the inactivity in my personal life.

My heart feels alone. Like a part of itself is not here. Like it is missing something. It has been like that for a while now. I feel alone so often. Its not physical loneliness. Well...in some ways it might be. I want someone to pledge to; someone who'll need me back, and vise versa. I want someone to share my happy moments with, and someone who'll comfort me when I am feeling down. I want someone to care for and to hold in my arms when they need comforting. I want to share my life with someone. All this I want. It isnt a need, but a want. Its a choice I made. But who is this person?


Another weekend over

So another weekend passes like all the others.
When I think back...I dont even know what I did that was constructive.

Wednesday was a little highlight of the week.
The SSA Dance Party was on. Well...it kinda was more of a get-together type of event instead of a Dance Party but it was fun.
Went there early with Madiq and we hung out, chilled, had a few drinks and had a great time catching up with many people. I dunno exactly but I guess that night also gave a little bit of a revelation: Perhaps I have allowed myself to think of the future a bit already. I dunno...it was just a feeling. (very cryptic I know...but I dont wanna talk abt it much)

Took Thursday off cos I really wanted to rest a day to get rid of the flu I caught (which didnt really work out). Ended up having lunch with Nadia and Lindsay, and also bought myself a new and LARGE frying pan. FINALLY...new cookware...lol.

Friday was another day...bored at work but at least it passed quite quickly. We had dinner that night at Hanaichi...UGH...service was bad...food not as good...prices really high...sometimes I wonder why we go there.

And Saturday came...a day I kinda dreaded. It is the day Supanova was held at the RNA again. An annual event which means a little more to me than anyone might even know. It is a day that reminded me of how hollow I can feel. I got my heart torn out on this day...I hate this feeling. Although it is long past...the feeling still lingers. I originally wanted to just go and enjoy myself but I couldnt find anyone who wanted to go...perhaps I didnt ask around enough. But I was feeling lazy as well la. Heh.

That kinda gave the theme for the rest of the day and today as well. Just this gloomy feeling (I wonder if anyone felt it) all around me. I sat at home today in the afternoon just listening to the American Recording of Children of Eden while reading a good magazine. Sang along to some songs on my computer (which brought me some sort of relief) before heading out to Joel's for Creme Brule...mmmm...nice.
Pasta again for dinner but Nadia and Damien didnt come over so I got sooooo much left over...lol. Lunch Settled!

A friend mentioned a heart is needed to do anything. Dont lose it. I agree. Maybe I need a hero to save my heart and perhaps my soul.


Friday the 13th

It only occurred to me when I read an email just now that it is Friday the 13th again.
The 'unluckiest' day of the year has arrived at our doorstep again. But I feel as bad as it already can get. Another 'unlucky' day didn't even affect me one bit.

Was chatting with Justin a few days ago about emotional roller coasters. One thing I mentioned was how I felt everyday. Feeling the extreme emotional ups and downs everyday. It's a cycle that I go through everyday since who-knows-when. I really hate waking up sometimes. I keep it all inside and I already feel like I am about to explode into a million little pieces, and when they finally put the pieces together, they won't find a heart. That part is so far eaten away...it cannot be found.

A little over-dramatic but that's how I feel. Everyday as I go through this cycle of loneliness, emptiness, cheerfulness, sleepiness...a little bit of my heart gets weakened and eaten away by the pain. It's like a part of me is lost everyday. Who knows when before there is nothing left inside.

There probably are people who know what I am talking about. Perhaps they feel the same way everyday. That it's not a matter of having people around you, or knowing that you are loved and cared about. It just the way you feel about your own life and where it is heading. That you wished so much for something to happen but it never came. That even when it finally happens, you're afraid that there is nothing left inside jump for joy.

Life is an unending road for things to happen. It doesn't stop just because you don't want to move forward. It's only that I choose not to do anything alone from now on. But my choice...is not for me to make either. Do you understand me?


A Night Out, A Lunch, A BBQ, Another Night Out & A Driving Lesson

Sounds like a bad title for a movie but this is what I actually did during the Easter Weekend.
But I am sneezing my ass off right now as I type. UGH!
Back to that later.
Let's see...oh yes.

This weekend was the Easter long weekend, which lasted 4 days from Good Friday to Easter Monday. Alicia came back from Sydney for holidays so we brought her out to dinner. We ended up spending a long but very very fun time playing pool and singing our nuts off at the ktv. BEST LA!!! I did a perfect song ok that night...so proud of myself...ROFL.
I was thinking back on how fun it was back in uni cos this was wat we did almost all the time back then...sigh.

Saturday I was invited, together with the usual gang to Auntie Christine and Uncle Martin's place for Easter lunch. It was great...spending time with them, Uncle Kenny and Auntie Roshelle. Chatting...eating....getting to know some of the new students that might form the new committees in their respective unis. We ended up spending most of the day there, which was great cos I wouldn't have known how to spend the rest of the day if we went home straight after lunch. But oh...the memories kept flooding back....sigh....I miss those days.

Sunday was another ROCK'N day. First off to church naturally....then back to Joel's for an Easter BBQ (only after walking all round the city forgetting that all the supermarkets were closed #%#$^$%&@$&).
The burner at the common area was damaged so we went back upstairs to cook the food before going back down for a mid afternoon feast. It was great fun. It was a small world indeed to meet Namit at the BBQ as well. Apparently Namit knew Alicia from days past. It was so bizzare. After that we went over to ours for several rounds of Sing Star before having a packed dinner, and a few more rounds of pool at Fat Louie's.

Finally we arrive on Monday. I was sooooo tired at this stage already. Luckily we didnt really have plans for the day except dinner to send off Alicia. I spent the better part of the day packing up my bathroom. Throwing away old, unused shampoo, old hairgels...etc etc. I even got the old candle back out and burning...hehe...romantic? We then went to Chinatown for dinner and then followed up by coffee and Coffee Club on Albert.

I guess it might be the hectic schedule over the weekend OR the sudden drop in temperature on Monday night, but I woke up this morning sneezing and dying from it. SIGH. But back to work nonetheless. Totally wanted to kill myself la. Needed sleep but stared at the computer for most of the day trying to get the data to tally on screen. Ugh. The only thing that broke the crappiness of the day was my driving lesson at night. Justin offered to let me use his car and teach me driving, which I accepted of course. Heh...fun...although I am soooo not satisfied at how bad I am la. But I shall improve...at lightning speeds if possible. :) License...here I come. ;)