the one with the long entry

it has been a long while since i made a real entry...so this one is going to be uber long to cover everything.
let's start from the beginning of the month shall we? ...

this time last year
april...the month everything kinda started off.
well...everything that seems to be on my mind these days.
things before april of last year were/seem to be unimportant and hazy now.
april fool's day used to be a day of fun, with harmless pranks and endless fun (somewhat), but now it is more of a reminder of that one night.

the night of the SSA Dance party; the night i told her my feelings.
sigh...why i did it i probably will never know; perhaps i wanted more; perhaps i felt something more might come of it. was i a fool to think so? you tell me.

everything happened around this time, and it still does. the supanova pop culture expo is also starting soon. another reminder of things past. it was this day she broke my heart the first time. the all too familiar: "we need to talk". i tried to be bitter about it, but i just cannot bring myself to.

this time this year
well, one year has past and i still feel sad. very sad actually. i should've moved on, and get my life together. in many ways, i already have, but it still hurts, like a deep wound that will never totally heal.

doesn't help when you think you finally can move on; start to feel something for another person, and then have it 'taken' away from you. makes me wonder if someone is trying to toy with my emotions here. driving me into the brink of sanity.

i guess i am just stupid.

i wish them happiness
whoever they are with now, whatever they are doing now, i hope for them happiness that i am unable to give them.
this feeling still stems from my initial desire to see them happy. to see their smile; to soothe their hearts when things go bad; to make things seem less difficult. i don't care if anyone thinks this is self-righteous anymore, because it is the truth, my truth.

one thing about anger, is that it comes like a wave of uncontrollable fury. you lose all sense of right and wrong. you just want to lash out and, in short of words, take 'revenge'.

it is a perfectly normal feeling, but always keep in mind who you are angry with. they are people as well, and usually, they are a loved one. the ones closest to you often causes the most hurt.

i am sure they don't mean to piss you off, just try to see it from their point of view. there has to be a reason why they did whatever they did. and more often than not, you'll realise that it was done out of love. misguided perhaps, but it still stems from their concern of you.

just thought i'd write this reflection down because a friend was angry at a loved one recently and it kinda got me thinking.

obviously, i have been feeling really down lately. and i wondered why i haven't done anything i might regret yet. and i realised it might have been a couple of angels sent to me during this time of tribulation.

Nadia and Lindsay. my two lifelines. whenever i am with them, i don't think about the bad stuff, i just ride the wave of insanity they bring with them. haha. they know i love them, esp with Nadia always REMINDING me. hahaha. but honestly, without them, i might have done something stupid already.


bbq time!!!
had a last minute bbq on sat evening.
invited whoever came to mind and on my mobile at that time and a nice approx 8 people showed up to have a nice dinner together. have pictures and it'll be on soon.

it was totally great just hanging out and chatting with this bunch of people. no bullshit, just relaxin' and talking about anything. in particular, 7 men....LOL

i really need to organise more of these 'gatherings'.
i know i said before that i wanted to make it a monthly thing, but i guess sometimes i get too caught up in my own problems and forget to put in the effort to keep 'connected' to people.
keeping friends isn't easy ok!
lotsa hard work and sincerity!

wonder when the next one will be...


Postmaster-General said...

Connected? Yes and disjointed. =D

the-red-knight said...

hehehe...wat you expect? it is several entries made in one.

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