2006-04-19
2006-04-18
the one with 7x7=49
copied from post-master-general
Seven dreams before death:
1. Travel the world
2. Get a PhD
3. Watch my kid have kids
4. Cook at least once for everyone i love
5. Write a novel
6. Live like a king....period!
7. Speak fluently in at least 4 languages
Seven things I can’t do in this lifetime:
1. Get to my ideal weight
2. Becoming smarter than me now
3. Sainthood
4. Coming back to tell someone how hell looks like
5. Coming back to tell someone how heaven looks like
6. Travel to another Star System
7. Forgetting hurt
Seven things that attract me:
1. A good sense of humor
2. Pretty face
3. Nice singing voice
4. Something to hold on to (i.e. not too skinny)
5. A kind heart
6. Loyalty
7. Loves people for who they are
Seven things I say:
1. Chee...
2. Gan! Ni Na
3. Crap
4. Ugh
5. Riiiiight
6. Pooi!
7. Hmmm…
Seven books that I love:
1. The Bible by The Almighty
2. Dune by Frank Herbert
3. Foundation by Issac Asimov
4. Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling
5. Left Behind Series by Tim LaHaye
6. The Knight's Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer
7. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespear (Not really a book)
Seven movies that I’ve loved:
1. Serendipity
2. A Knight's Tale
3. Romeo & Juliet
4. Star Wars Series
5. Dragonheart
6. Braveheart
7. Coming to America
Seven tags:
1. Dorothy
2. Lindsay
3. Nadia
4. Elyanna
5. Joel
6. Stacey
7. Gavin (I ran out of names...lol)
Seven dreams before death:
1. Travel the world
2. Get a PhD
3. Watch my kid have kids
4. Cook at least once for everyone i love
5. Write a novel
6. Live like a king....period!
7. Speak fluently in at least 4 languages
Seven things I can’t do in this lifetime:
1. Get to my ideal weight
2. Becoming smarter than me now
3. Sainthood
4. Coming back to tell someone how hell looks like
5. Coming back to tell someone how heaven looks like
6. Travel to another Star System
7. Forgetting hurt
Seven things that attract me:
1. A good sense of humor
2. Pretty face
3. Nice singing voice
4. Something to hold on to (i.e. not too skinny)
5. A kind heart
6. Loyalty
7. Loves people for who they are
Seven things I say:
1. Chee...
2. Gan! Ni Na
3. Crap
4. Ugh
5. Riiiiight
6. Pooi!
7. Hmmm…
Seven books that I love:
1. The Bible by The Almighty
2. Dune by Frank Herbert
3. Foundation by Issac Asimov
4. Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling
5. Left Behind Series by Tim LaHaye
6. The Knight's Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer
7. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespear (Not really a book)
Seven movies that I’ve loved:
1. Serendipity
2. A Knight's Tale
3. Romeo & Juliet
4. Star Wars Series
5. Dragonheart
6. Braveheart
7. Coming to America
Seven tags:
1. Dorothy
2. Lindsay
3. Nadia
4. Elyanna
5. Joel
6. Stacey
7. Gavin (I ran out of names...lol)
the one with the long weekend
i woke up this morning feeling totally out of sync.
i guess that is a side effect of having too long a weekend and not having any rest for its whole duration.
i'm not complaining or anything. having things to do is totally cool, but perhaps, more rest time should've been made.
the easter weekend just flew by so fast. with no warning at all, the day moved from thursday to tuesday in a blink of an eye.
between friday's good friday service, saturday's bbq @ leon's and dinner @ joel's, sunday's lunch @ auntie christine's and fiddler on the roof in the afternoon, and finishing off with furniture shopping @ ikea on monday, there was almost no time for some REAL rest and relaxation.
i am still sleepy.
this easter is so different from the past few.
i was just thinking about this yesterday before i went to bed.
two years ago, it was a turning point for me. after a long period of time without attending mass or being involved in any church activity, i went back to the church. and thus began the next phase of my spiritual life.
last year, i believed it was a changing phase of my life entirely as i thought i'd finally found the happiness i have seeked for so long.
but this year, it didn't feel like anything at all.
it literally just came and went, and i didn't change any one bit.
or did i?
easter has always signified to catholics, as a time of rebirth, a time of change, a time to have a second chance. this didn't really had an impact on me until a couple of years back, when i needed a 'second chance'.
i wonder if the 'up swing' on that enlightenment has begun to turn.
or perhaps the 'high' has worn off.
maybe the time of self realisation has begun for me.
a chance for me to find out who i am and who i want to be.
my actions and feelings have revealed a lot about myself in the past few months.
what i am capable of doing, and in many ways, made me realise that i was very naive about the world around me.
the person who once believed that anything is possible, that if you really want something and work on it, it will come true.
that person is slowly fading into the shadows.
maybe that needed to happen, so that i can survive in this world.
because in some ways, we're alone here in this world, and if you cannot survive, the wolves are just around the corner.
i guess that is a side effect of having too long a weekend and not having any rest for its whole duration.
i'm not complaining or anything. having things to do is totally cool, but perhaps, more rest time should've been made.
the easter weekend just flew by so fast. with no warning at all, the day moved from thursday to tuesday in a blink of an eye.
between friday's good friday service, saturday's bbq @ leon's and dinner @ joel's, sunday's lunch @ auntie christine's and fiddler on the roof in the afternoon, and finishing off with furniture shopping @ ikea on monday, there was almost no time for some REAL rest and relaxation.
i am still sleepy.
this easter is so different from the past few.
i was just thinking about this yesterday before i went to bed.
two years ago, it was a turning point for me. after a long period of time without attending mass or being involved in any church activity, i went back to the church. and thus began the next phase of my spiritual life.
last year, i believed it was a changing phase of my life entirely as i thought i'd finally found the happiness i have seeked for so long.
but this year, it didn't feel like anything at all.
it literally just came and went, and i didn't change any one bit.
or did i?
easter has always signified to catholics, as a time of rebirth, a time of change, a time to have a second chance. this didn't really had an impact on me until a couple of years back, when i needed a 'second chance'.
i wonder if the 'up swing' on that enlightenment has begun to turn.
or perhaps the 'high' has worn off.
maybe the time of self realisation has begun for me.
a chance for me to find out who i am and who i want to be.
my actions and feelings have revealed a lot about myself in the past few months.
what i am capable of doing, and in many ways, made me realise that i was very naive about the world around me.
the person who once believed that anything is possible, that if you really want something and work on it, it will come true.
that person is slowly fading into the shadows.
maybe that needed to happen, so that i can survive in this world.
because in some ways, we're alone here in this world, and if you cannot survive, the wolves are just around the corner.
2006-04-14
the one with the suppressed anger
it's good friday.
a day i should be remembering the suffering of our lord Jesus on the day he died for us.
a day that our own little problems and squabbles dwarf in comparison to the bigger picture.
a day we should forget our pettiness and pride and remember what is really important to us.
BUT instead....i am concentrating all my energy into controlling my anger right now. Everything that has been bottled up is about to explode all because of one line. the line that tipped the scales.
i want to break something.
but my head is pounding...
i am tired and sleepy but my mind is racing.
what should i do?
a day i should be remembering the suffering of our lord Jesus on the day he died for us.
a day that our own little problems and squabbles dwarf in comparison to the bigger picture.
a day we should forget our pettiness and pride and remember what is really important to us.
BUT instead....i am concentrating all my energy into controlling my anger right now. Everything that has been bottled up is about to explode all because of one line. the line that tipped the scales.
i want to break something.
but my head is pounding...
i am tired and sleepy but my mind is racing.
what should i do?
2006-04-13
the one with clear thought
ok. so maybe i am not medically depressed (minor or not), as nadia pointed out recently.
doesn't change the fact that i havent really been feeling happy or even some form of emotional middleground.
just the basic low that you get when there is something looming over your head.
i ask myself a few questions everyday, and one of them is "why haven't i gotten over last year?"
or to put it more bluntly, "why haven't i gotten over her?"
somehow...even with hours of soul searching, i can't seem to find an answer i can be satisfied with.
guess that isn't all that is contributing to my all time low period.
another thing is also me not finding anything to live for.
my job is ok but something is missing from it that fills me with enthusiasm.
my health is crap, waking up to pain every morning.
and my life isn't really going anywhere.
probably all due to faults of my own.
perhaps i just don't have that person or people egging me on.
pushing me and encouraging me to do the things i want to do.
i guess that is a fault of being independent; relying on noboby except yourself.
this is not a phenomenon focalised purely on me.
i see it from other independent people but the happy ones found a balance somehow.
watched the 'Sex and the City' special last night @ Charlene's when we went over for dinner.
(lucky girl has free cable...grumble grumble)
one particular line stuck with me: "perhaps we can be each other's soulmates".
i guess deep down, all i want is to have someone like that.
someone who cares more than he/she should.
that'll be nice.
doesn't change the fact that i havent really been feeling happy or even some form of emotional middleground.
just the basic low that you get when there is something looming over your head.
i ask myself a few questions everyday, and one of them is "why haven't i gotten over last year?"
or to put it more bluntly, "why haven't i gotten over her?"
somehow...even with hours of soul searching, i can't seem to find an answer i can be satisfied with.
guess that isn't all that is contributing to my all time low period.
another thing is also me not finding anything to live for.
my job is ok but something is missing from it that fills me with enthusiasm.
my health is crap, waking up to pain every morning.
and my life isn't really going anywhere.
probably all due to faults of my own.
perhaps i just don't have that person or people egging me on.
pushing me and encouraging me to do the things i want to do.
i guess that is a fault of being independent; relying on noboby except yourself.
this is not a phenomenon focalised purely on me.
i see it from other independent people but the happy ones found a balance somehow.
watched the 'Sex and the City' special last night @ Charlene's when we went over for dinner.
(lucky girl has free cable...grumble grumble)
one particular line stuck with me: "perhaps we can be each other's soulmates".
i guess deep down, all i want is to have someone like that.
someone who cares more than he/she should.
that'll be nice.
2006-04-11
the one with the envy
| People Envy Your Generosity |
 You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you! People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to. |
the one with the long entry
it has been a long while since i made a real entry...so this one is going to be uber long to cover everything.
let's start from the beginning of the month shall we? ...
this time last year
april...the month everything kinda started off.
well...everything that seems to be on my mind these days.
things before april of last year were/seem to be unimportant and hazy now.
april fool's day used to be a day of fun, with harmless pranks and endless fun (somewhat), but now it is more of a reminder of that one night.
the night of the SSA Dance party; the night i told her my feelings.
sigh...why i did it i probably will never know; perhaps i wanted more; perhaps i felt something more might come of it. was i a fool to think so? you tell me.
everything happened around this time, and it still does. the supanova pop culture expo is also starting soon. another reminder of things past. it was this day she broke my heart the first time. the all too familiar: "we need to talk". i tried to be bitter about it, but i just cannot bring myself to.
this time this year
well, one year has past and i still feel sad. very sad actually. i should've moved on, and get my life together. in many ways, i already have, but it still hurts, like a deep wound that will never totally heal.
doesn't help when you think you finally can move on; start to feel something for another person, and then have it 'taken' away from you. makes me wonder if someone is trying to toy with my emotions here. driving me into the brink of sanity.
i guess i am just stupid.
i wish them happiness
whoever they are with now, whatever they are doing now, i hope for them happiness that i am unable to give them.
this feeling still stems from my initial desire to see them happy. to see their smile; to soothe their hearts when things go bad; to make things seem less difficult. i don't care if anyone thinks this is self-righteous anymore, because it is the truth, my truth.
anger
one thing about anger, is that it comes like a wave of uncontrollable fury. you lose all sense of right and wrong. you just want to lash out and, in short of words, take 'revenge'.
it is a perfectly normal feeling, but always keep in mind who you are angry with. they are people as well, and usually, they are a loved one. the ones closest to you often causes the most hurt.
i am sure they don't mean to piss you off, just try to see it from their point of view. there has to be a reason why they did whatever they did. and more often than not, you'll realise that it was done out of love. misguided perhaps, but it still stems from their concern of you.
just thought i'd write this reflection down because a friend was angry at a loved one recently and it kinda got me thinking.
lifeline
obviously, i have been feeling really down lately. and i wondered why i haven't done anything i might regret yet. and i realised it might have been a couple of angels sent to me during this time of tribulation.
Nadia and Lindsay. my two lifelines. whenever i am with them, i don't think about the bad stuff, i just ride the wave of insanity they bring with them. haha. they know i love them, esp with Nadia always REMINDING me. hahaha. but honestly, without them, i might have done something stupid already.
THANK YOU!!!!
bbq time!!!
had a last minute bbq on sat evening.
invited whoever came to mind and on my mobile at that time and a nice approx 8 people showed up to have a nice dinner together. have pictures and it'll be on soon.
it was totally great just hanging out and chatting with this bunch of people. no bullshit, just relaxin' and talking about anything. in particular, 7 men....LOL
i really need to organise more of these 'gatherings'.
i know i said before that i wanted to make it a monthly thing, but i guess sometimes i get too caught up in my own problems and forget to put in the effort to keep 'connected' to people.
keeping friends isn't easy ok!
lotsa hard work and sincerity!
;)
wonder when the next one will be...
let's start from the beginning of the month shall we? ...
this time last year
april...the month everything kinda started off.
well...everything that seems to be on my mind these days.
things before april of last year were/seem to be unimportant and hazy now.
april fool's day used to be a day of fun, with harmless pranks and endless fun (somewhat), but now it is more of a reminder of that one night.
the night of the SSA Dance party; the night i told her my feelings.
sigh...why i did it i probably will never know; perhaps i wanted more; perhaps i felt something more might come of it. was i a fool to think so? you tell me.
everything happened around this time, and it still does. the supanova pop culture expo is also starting soon. another reminder of things past. it was this day she broke my heart the first time. the all too familiar: "we need to talk". i tried to be bitter about it, but i just cannot bring myself to.
this time this year
well, one year has past and i still feel sad. very sad actually. i should've moved on, and get my life together. in many ways, i already have, but it still hurts, like a deep wound that will never totally heal.
doesn't help when you think you finally can move on; start to feel something for another person, and then have it 'taken' away from you. makes me wonder if someone is trying to toy with my emotions here. driving me into the brink of sanity.
i guess i am just stupid.
i wish them happiness
whoever they are with now, whatever they are doing now, i hope for them happiness that i am unable to give them.
this feeling still stems from my initial desire to see them happy. to see their smile; to soothe their hearts when things go bad; to make things seem less difficult. i don't care if anyone thinks this is self-righteous anymore, because it is the truth, my truth.
anger
one thing about anger, is that it comes like a wave of uncontrollable fury. you lose all sense of right and wrong. you just want to lash out and, in short of words, take 'revenge'.
it is a perfectly normal feeling, but always keep in mind who you are angry with. they are people as well, and usually, they are a loved one. the ones closest to you often causes the most hurt.
i am sure they don't mean to piss you off, just try to see it from their point of view. there has to be a reason why they did whatever they did. and more often than not, you'll realise that it was done out of love. misguided perhaps, but it still stems from their concern of you.
just thought i'd write this reflection down because a friend was angry at a loved one recently and it kinda got me thinking.
lifeline
obviously, i have been feeling really down lately. and i wondered why i haven't done anything i might regret yet. and i realised it might have been a couple of angels sent to me during this time of tribulation.
Nadia and Lindsay. my two lifelines. whenever i am with them, i don't think about the bad stuff, i just ride the wave of insanity they bring with them. haha. they know i love them, esp with Nadia always REMINDING me. hahaha. but honestly, without them, i might have done something stupid already.
THANK YOU!!!!
bbq time!!!
had a last minute bbq on sat evening.
invited whoever came to mind and on my mobile at that time and a nice approx 8 people showed up to have a nice dinner together. have pictures and it'll be on soon.
it was totally great just hanging out and chatting with this bunch of people. no bullshit, just relaxin' and talking about anything. in particular, 7 men....LOL
i really need to organise more of these 'gatherings'.
i know i said before that i wanted to make it a monthly thing, but i guess sometimes i get too caught up in my own problems and forget to put in the effort to keep 'connected' to people.
keeping friends isn't easy ok!
lotsa hard work and sincerity!
;)
wonder when the next one will be...
2006-04-10
the one with the symptoms 2
Dysthymia (Minor Depression)
Dysthymia is a disorder with similar, but longer-lasting and milder symptoms than clinical depression. By the standard psychiatric definition, this disorder lasts for at least two years, but is less disabling than major depression; for example, victims are usually able to go on working and do not need to be hospitalized.
The symptoms of Dysthymia are:
poor school/work performance
social withdrawal
shyness
irritable hostility
conflicts with family and friends
physiological abnormalities
sleep irregularities
parents with major depression
O_O
Dysthymia is a disorder with similar, but longer-lasting and milder symptoms than clinical depression. By the standard psychiatric definition, this disorder lasts for at least two years, but is less disabling than major depression; for example, victims are usually able to go on working and do not need to be hospitalized.
The symptoms of Dysthymia are:
poor school/work performance
social withdrawal
shyness
irritable hostility
conflicts with family and friends
physiological abnormalities
sleep irregularities
parents with major depression
O_O
2006-04-08
2006-04-07
the one with the symptoms
Definitions of Chronic Depression on the Web:
(as known as minor depression) "normal" depression lasts six to nine months, however, when depression lasts longer, and the depressive symptoms go away for a short time only to return again, it is termed chronic depression. When fewer than five symptoms listed on a standard depression quiz are present for at least two weeks, the mood disorder is considered chronic / minor depression.
(as known as minor depression) "normal" depression lasts six to nine months, however, when depression lasts longer, and the depressive symptoms go away for a short time only to return again, it is termed chronic depression. When fewer than five symptoms listed on a standard depression quiz are present for at least two weeks, the mood disorder is considered chronic / minor depression.
the one with the masks
just got back from ssa's masquerade party.
the party was ok and the people were great....i guess it was just me.
the place held too many memories, and many new (not cheerful) ones added on tonight as well.
i tried to enjoy myself...and at the start...it was ok...i was enjoying myself a little more than i'd thought i might have.
but as the night progressed...the whole sullen feeling just hit like a truck.
i mean, i had fun...having drinks and laughs with friends and some of which i havent seen in a while.
but there was this shadow just lurking over me the whole night, and i guess it was my reflection again.
and there i was...behind a mask i have grown all to familiar with, all alone again in the night.
the party was ok and the people were great....i guess it was just me.
the place held too many memories, and many new (not cheerful) ones added on tonight as well.
i tried to enjoy myself...and at the start...it was ok...i was enjoying myself a little more than i'd thought i might have.
but as the night progressed...the whole sullen feeling just hit like a truck.
i mean, i had fun...having drinks and laughs with friends and some of which i havent seen in a while.
but there was this shadow just lurking over me the whole night, and i guess it was my reflection again.
and there i was...behind a mask i have grown all to familiar with, all alone again in the night.
2006-04-05
the one with the alternate
watched 'the triangle' with the girls and mervyn last night.
got me thinking all over again.
what if there really are other realities in dimensions in parallel with ours?
a collection of multiverses.
where every decision you make creates another possible reality.
i wonder if there is another 'me' somewhere out there, living the max out of life.
haha...i am so jealous of 'myself'
got me thinking all over again.
what if there really are other realities in dimensions in parallel with ours?
a collection of multiverses.
where every decision you make creates another possible reality.
i wonder if there is another 'me' somewhere out there, living the max out of life.
haha...i am so jealous of 'myself'
2006-04-04
the one with the unspoken words
i like you.
probably more than i should.
being around you gives me a rush a joy and yet...not being able to tell you more cuts deep inside.
your laugh and your smile is what i hope to see or hear everyday.
i was living in darkness for eternity it felt.
then you came along, and brought sunshine into my life once again.
how cruel is the world for allowing me to feel happiness again only to take it all away in a flash.
these words you'll never hear from me.
my own rules forbid them to be said to you.
perhaps one day you might guess, but it'll probably never happen.
you are happy now.
and that is all i want for you.
this time i take a step back, and not tempt fate anymore.
because the last time i did so, i fell hard and almost didn't survive.
so alas, this time, i fade into the shadows...as i have always done.
probably more than i should.
being around you gives me a rush a joy and yet...not being able to tell you more cuts deep inside.
your laugh and your smile is what i hope to see or hear everyday.
i was living in darkness for eternity it felt.
then you came along, and brought sunshine into my life once again.
how cruel is the world for allowing me to feel happiness again only to take it all away in a flash.
these words you'll never hear from me.
my own rules forbid them to be said to you.
perhaps one day you might guess, but it'll probably never happen.
you are happy now.
and that is all i want for you.
this time i take a step back, and not tempt fate anymore.
because the last time i did so, i fell hard and almost didn't survive.
so alas, this time, i fade into the shadows...as i have always done.
poem: my enemy
patiently waiting, my heart and mind gear up for war
with no information about the enemy or what it can do
seconds, minutes, hours pass
and then the frontier arrives
finally into battle, blindly marching into the unknown
facing the invisible enemy
fearful of nothingness
unable to speak the words i want to say
my voice disappears when i want to scream
my hands bound behind, unable to move
it approaches...
my foe, my adversary
a flash of light passes before my eyes
and i finally see it clearer than ever before
my enemy...my foe...my reflection
with no information about the enemy or what it can do
seconds, minutes, hours pass
and then the frontier arrives
finally into battle, blindly marching into the unknown
facing the invisible enemy
fearful of nothingness
unable to speak the words i want to say
my voice disappears when i want to scream
my hands bound behind, unable to move
it approaches...
my foe, my adversary
a flash of light passes before my eyes
and i finally see it clearer than ever before
my enemy...my foe...my reflection
2006-04-03
the one with the colour
|
the one with the heavy feeling
the bouts of loneliness are getting stronger everytime they arrive.
for months...this has been going on.
i know what i need to do to get out of this rut...i gave the same advice to friends before.
but i guess it is so much easier dishing it out than swallowing the same words.
i know i have friends who care.
i know i have people to help me out if i need it.
i know i probably will survive this and move on.
but i feel crap NOW.
i wish i was the type that can chicken out of life...
but that aint happening as well...too much pride i guess.
the heavy feeling in my chest is becoming too hard to bear.
the monster is back, and i have no weapon this time...
for months...this has been going on.
i know what i need to do to get out of this rut...i gave the same advice to friends before.
but i guess it is so much easier dishing it out than swallowing the same words.
i know i have friends who care.
i know i have people to help me out if i need it.
i know i probably will survive this and move on.
but i feel crap NOW.
i wish i was the type that can chicken out of life...
but that aint happening as well...too much pride i guess.
the heavy feeling in my chest is becoming too hard to bear.
the monster is back, and i have no weapon this time...
the one with the warmth
had this window open on my desktop since early morning but just felt too lazy to type something here.
well...till now anyways.
actually wanted to just update on my weekend but i'll do that later.
sitting here this morning, under the extremely cold aircon, i realised i have changed in so many ways over the past year.
i used to hate heat...give me a cold day anytime and i'll be jumping for joy.
not saying i love to sweat like a dog on a summer's day.
i still like the cool interior of an air conditioned room.
but now...i dont mind having a warm jacket on as well.
i guess it might be cos i yearn for a warm body close to mine.
sharing in each others warmth and comfort...
well...till now anyways.
actually wanted to just update on my weekend but i'll do that later.
sitting here this morning, under the extremely cold aircon, i realised i have changed in so many ways over the past year.
i used to hate heat...give me a cold day anytime and i'll be jumping for joy.
not saying i love to sweat like a dog on a summer's day.
i still like the cool interior of an air conditioned room.
but now...i dont mind having a warm jacket on as well.
i guess it might be cos i yearn for a warm body close to mine.
sharing in each others warmth and comfort...
2006-04-02
quote: from "hitchhikers quide to the galaxy"
My head is filled with questions and i can assure you
that no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iorta of happiness
Except for one
The one!
The only question i have ever wanted to
Is She the ONE?
The answer bloody hell isnt 42...it's YES
Undoubtedly
Unequivically
Unabashedly
YES
And for one week
One week!
In my sad little blip of an existence
It made me happy
- Andrew
(Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
that no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iorta of happiness
Except for one
The one!
The only question i have ever wanted to
Is She the ONE?
The answer bloody hell isnt 42...it's YES
Undoubtedly
Unequivically
Unabashedly
YES
And for one week
One week!
In my sad little blip of an existence
It made me happy
- Andrew
(Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
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