a pretty harmless graphic

totally copying the mrbrownshow lah...
but i was bored at work and mervyn brought up the 'mai hum' thing...
so this was born a few mins later:



Disclaimer: This graphic is in no means trying to make you laugh in any way whatsoever

a sleepy morning

YAWN!!!!!!
I am soooo sleepy.
finally fell asleep properly last night after so many nights of crap sleep, but i am still sooooo tired this morning.
how am i supposed to last through the day?
argh!!

yesterday was fun!
the day started out with justin coming over to pick me up after anthony and we went down to the church over in st. lucia to set up for UM&AC's wedding anniversary mass. it was a rushed job!
30 mins to setup and 15 mins to packup after the event.
but the mass was great.
the singing was great as well.
i am still awed by astrid's rendition of 'ave maria'....wow!!!
the boys (anthony and i) made a few amusing mistakes during the mass and we'll be heading back to do a cast recording for the CD to be made...lol...so toot.

lunch was even better (a special lunch menu @ singapura...duh!)
chicken rice, hainanese chicken, sambal eggs, the best hokkien mee i had in ages, and the list goes on. a table was set aside for the 'younger' cohort of the group. namely, madiq, anthony, justin, alan, kimmy, astrid and myself. the boys of course brought up stupid topics that just amused the table; we had a lot of fun.

the karaoke was set up soon after lunch and the aunties went straight into it. and of course, i avoided the area until most had left before picking up the mic for ONE song...hehehe...it was fun, although the rest of the guys fly aeroplane and didnt take up the mic even once... :S

of course not forgetting the actual reason we were there, watching UM&AC renewing their vows and celebrating this joyful event with their friends and family, it was the best feeling just to be part of it. the love in the room was just great! i wonder if i'd ever find someone to spend 35yrs of my life with...sigh...

a fun weekend (and it aint over yet)

i am still coughing. :S
so annoying!
my nose is very accommodating and is almost cleared but my throat: UGH!

the week went by quite quickly....
took Monday and Tuesday off work to get some REAL R&R (it didnt really play out that way though).
Justin came over on Monday night to allow me to proofread the song sheets we are gonna use on Sunday for UM&AC's wedding anniversary mass. We filed them after that and that's it. no more talk about the choir until friday.

wed and thurs just disappeared with a blink and friday was a lightyear's difference compared. we had a lunch to send off Gary @ work; the lucky 3$#@%@$^ is going for a 6 week long vacation. if only contract workers could do the same (ponder...)
in the evening, we went for dinner somewhere in stretton to celebrate auntie Christine's, Doris T's and Angela's bdays. it was sooo embarrassing la. cos of my allergies to seafood, they ordered a special plate of pork ribs for me, and made me finish it ok! i am a little afraid of pork now....lol

today, woke up like...11.30am and that's only because joel called to ask me over to their new place. yes yes...nadia and joel finally moved one building away...imagine the horror! ROFL!
didnt get a chance to view the place until after dinner. it is one hellava place! NICE!!!! i am so jealous!
we hung out...had the booze as usual...and very soon after, everyone was having fun chatting. the topics....perhaps i should censor the conversation and just say it was.................erm.............eye opening (not to mention ear bleeding).
joel said i should write about the nonsense that happened but i think i should keep things in check for now. well...until i get pissed (yah! like that would happen) and remember that scene forever burnt into my retinas...hahaha.

anyways...back home now, and i think i should go to bed soon. early day tomrw with singing and eating then singing again.
so till next time...

i hate being sick

the title kinda says it all

today is a good day to die (rest)

haha...gotta love those klingons.
anyways...called in sick today.
this morning was bad...felt clogged up, tired, and i just couldn't get a good night's sleep.
called the office and went back to bed.
didnt wake till 11/12
mulled around mostly in the bedroom (didnt really feel like moving around)
ely came over around 5 and nadia shortly after.
chatted with ely for a bit before we all went for dinner at AJ's.
good hot soupy noodles for the flu....mmmmmm......goood
came back...watched tv....ely went home....watched more tv....and here i am, getting ready for bed.
and on that note...gdnight!

*cough *choke *wheez

ugh...my cough is getting worse.
been feeling a little under since some time mid week but it is really bad now.
and imagine me at choir practice today, coughing and wheezing like a nut case, and going off tune soooo many times....lol
so dumb....

supposed to be sleeping

well...i am supposed to be sleeping but i ended up uploading photos instead.
here they are in their respective albums
(there might be repeats)

Chinese New Year BBQ

SSA Sem 1 Welcome BBQ

Singapore Club Bowling

SSA Sem 1 Dance Party - Masquerade

SSA Sem 1 Rock Climbing

Chua's Visiting BBQ *New*

SSA Sem 2 Welcome BBQ *New*

National Day Dinner *New*

National Day Ball *New*

Ekka *New*

a great slogan remembered

hahaha...just got reminded of a great catch phrase used by a vendor @ the ekka this year.
"with the wonder dick, all you've got to do is screw an orange to get juice!!"
BRILLIANT!

P.S. in case you are baffled, the "wonder dick" is a contraption similar to a juicer. but it looks like a screw driver.

a fun evening + an informative morning

ah...the memories...having fun...lol
lots came back last night when mervyn, cherry and lania came over for (guess!) MONOPOLY!!!
haha...it was fun...ruthless money grabbing and hording of resources all aimed at the total annihilation of your rivals...ah...the evil, the greed, the fact that it didnt happen (?!?!?!?!)
everyone was too nice, allowing rents to be forfeited, making nice deals, alliances made way too early. and not forgetting my being placed in jail twice wrongly.
but all in good fun and we left (well, mervyn and lania were stoned tired and slept for a bit before leaving) happy and satisfied.

this morning i woke up late...12pm late!
i was like...ugh...another day wasted.
joel wanted to go to ikea to shop for his new apartment, but i was too lazy to go. the never-ending walk from the bus stop to the holy grail of cheap (well, affordable) furniture. the heat from the fiery sun that might melt my thick layer of fatty cells...no way man.
plus...i need to get a haircut (it was coming alive, esp in the morning when i need it to stay down).

but before the inevitable demise of my long-ish crown, i actually had a decent conversation with an old time friend in taiwan, whom i hadnt spoken to in a long while. she was having problems of the boy kind (what else is worth gossiping over?). hope everything works out for her...she is too sweet to be hurt by another idiotic male who doesnt know how to act. anyways...it was a good chat and told her about my plans for japan and lo and behold, her first reaction was, "AH! now i can visit you in japan!". oh comon! that's like the standard reply from almost EVERYONE. amazing...like you need a reason like that to visit japan. haha...i wonder how that'll turn out.

anyways...i am back to mourn the pre-mature death of my hair by taking a long shower, so till next time, happy blogging...

talk about divine messages

irritating la.
come home, load email program, first thing i see: "Get Laid!"
ugh...sometimes the spam filters fail and let these things through, but what a way to go....lol....and the content?
"YOU NEED TO GET LAID!"
HAHAHA...kinda speaks for itself doesnt it...

anyone seen this frog?

recently saw this on one of the videos i watched.



anyone know where i can find the t-shirt?
SO CUTE!!!!!!
lol

it might be japanese, cos the clip is of matsumoto in 'downtown no gaki no tsukai'
anyone?!?!?!?

2000th visitor

woohoo!
the thing about being bored @ work is that sometimes you get interesting screenshots.
look!
my site has 2000 views since its birth!



yay!!!

bored again.
i need some entertainment. where to find?

cant stop writing

argh....once i start i cant stop writing.
hahaha...this is like a wave as well...and now i am on the side with all the words on it.
bored to death at work and still outlasting my sanity here.
but it has been interesting just thinking about stuff while working on boring documents.
topic for today is: interesting relationships

among all the relationships that exist between people i know here in brisbane and back home, i have to say that most of them are based on very weird, if not totally insane dependencies. of course i cant elaborate without breaking anyone's trust but seriously...not many are based on simple things. but it seems a lot of them are together cos there is a need of something that the other person can offer. in some cases, love is also involved (you'd hope). but still, can these symbiotic relationships last? what if one day the thing that is being offered became redundant or diminished? will these partnerships last the test?

some examples of dependence are:
- the need for honesty and brutal truth
- the need for someone who is contrast to a past failure
- the need for someone to give into almost all their desires
- the need for physical satisfaction

can these things be sustained? only time will tell i guess...

another relaxing(?) holiday

well, here i am finally...resting; sitting down at my table just relaxing.
it's the ekka hols today and everyone was in a slow, relaxed mode.
hell...i only got out of bed @ 11 this morning. amazing!
i actually woke up @ 7 but i went back to bed and had a weird dream about saving the world from ultimate doom. the weirder part is, the people who were about to bring forth the end of days were people i knew from church...talk about weird. LOL

that pointless thing aside, it was slow today. went for lunch with yentheng and joel today. nandos is still the best la...hehe....half a chicken...mmmmm
then went for a shop in the myer centre. bought myself another puzzle and this one actually stumpped me. i still cant solve it although i finally got the general idea of what to do.
This is the puzzle i bought.

The Chain.
FUN!!!!

after we went to fat louis's for a game of pool, which ended up being snooker, but still we had fun nonetheless. it was fun. i actually had fun. it has been a long while since i played a pool/snooker game. i had fun.

came home after and watched 'Step Up' on the laptop. it was great! i love these dance movies. they actually make me want to get up off my ass and move. i wonder if i could ever dance well enough...lol.



talk about dancing, i must've really overdone it during the national day ball. it had been a long time since i moved my body as much and i had been aching for the past few days. but it is a good kind of pain. one type that i dont mind enduring for those few moments of release, those moments of freedom. sigh...

so here i am finally...getting ready for bed. another "productive" day ahead for me. i still seek the reason for my existence, and perhaps, it might come tomrw...

a new look, a new entry, perhaps a new outlook?

i was getting bored of the old blog so i decided to go minimalistic for the time being.
using a different style of titling as well.
something that is less processing-needy just to think up a title for every entry.

perhaps this entry can be called 'a life in review' as well.
i dunno...
have been reflecting a lot in the past few weeks, trying to come to a resolution of sorts. a resolution to what? i have no freaking idea. it just feels like i need to resolve a few things. sort things out in my head. know where i am and where i will be heading to.
it all seems so jumbled up these days; it all used to be clear and simple.

the year didnt exactly start off great, well...it didnt start off in the slightest good at all actually.
i still remember someone said that 2006 is going to be a worse year for the monkey (chinese zodiac of course) than 2005.
at that time, i thought that was impossible. guess i was wrong. it's things like this that actually makes me wonder about the credibility of astrology, even though i am not supposed to take such things seriously (lots of catholic doctrine over the years)

anyways, my general mood for the year has been less than content. more lows than highs and even the highs were passing phases that blew over and forgotten almost immediately. if you think i am exaggerating, think again. scary thoughts passed through my mind a bit too often through out the year and lasts even till now. thoughts that, until recently, i'd never thought i'd ever have; things such as cutting myself, jumping in front of a car, etc. you know what i mean. before you start going panicky and calling the madhouse or the police, let me assure you that they are just things that go through my head...that is all.

this is not watering down the good times i had with good friends and family, but they are over-shadowed very easily by the gloom that resides deep in my heart/soul/watever. i dont think anyone actually sees this at all. years and years of 'acting' happy has gotten far. i always 'acted' only when i didnt want to discuss unhappy things further with others, but now...it is on a whole different level. something as normal as shrugging off bad thoughts has become a somewhat full-time exercise. but beneath my smiles and grins usually sits a heart in pain, like a wound that refuses to heal.

but it hasnt only been lows of course. there are some highs here and there. like the time when i thought i might be able to feel again, that i might move a few steps forwards and allow myself to feel happy again, only to realise that the values that keep me in check also hindered me in perhaps finally finding a shred of happiness again. (vague and abstract? of course la, i cannot just make it too obvious and mention names here, can i?)
but that experience just left me lower than i already was. how's that for kicking a man when he's already down?

what else has happened over the year...wow...it has been a long year indeed. lets go in chronological order shall we?


January-February
spent most of this time alone but at the same time putting out fires all around me. nostalgic actually. i was doing the same just 12 months ago. of course i dont mean actual fires, just emotional ones. it's an ironic role to play. here i was, all screwed up within but yet helped friends along the way get through their difficult times.

it was also around this time when i felt that i might have moved on abit. gotten over the hurt and start to, maybe, feel happy about life again. this was short lived obviously when i realised (as usual) that my timing was @#$!%@#%. amazing! another blow just when hope was returning...talk about absolutely destroying self worth and self confidence. it really felt like fate/destiny/watever it is called is absolutely trying to drive me off the cliff of sanity. but even that passed on like another wave in the sea, pushing forward and bringing another wave behind it.


March-May
things are beginning to pick up around this time. people are returning from their holidays and things are starting to happen again. parties; clubbing; official events to go for; all good fun. but it felt really different. the fun didnt feel real because of that lingering pain in the background. things were getting out of hand. i could hardly contain the pain anymore. whether it showed or not, i dunno. ask those around me who see me often. did i look like i wanted to kill myself? i hated feeling like that. i am a strong person. someone people could come to to get help and perhaps just a listening ear. but there i was...feeling like a victim all the time; like my existence didnt matter. my conscious mind knew that isnt true, but my heart felt otherwise.

i had to battle my inner demons as past events kept on replaying to haunt me. i couldnt sleep. i hardly ate except to prevent me actually dying. that knife in the kitchen looked dangerously appealing suddenly. the pain in my chest came like unending waves of emotion that just refesed to stop no matter what i did. and with each wave, the intensity got stronger and stronger; at the peak of the pain, it really did feel like a knife was already in my heart. perhaps it was a heart attack? who knows?

but somewhere amongst all that, i still went to work everyday, i still lived life as if nothing had happened, with no one being the wiser. people started to forget. people started to act like nothing happened at all. and i just followed suit. a fool of fortune.


June-July
aside from a few people whom i still keep close contact with, by this time, i was beginning to cut myself off from the world again. i just didnt want to be hurt again. my faith in people is already close to zero. it was a weird thing. when i was with people, i was the old me, but once i am alone, it became this self-hating, people hating thing. i had no cause or reason to love anything around me anymore. i could've become reclusive, but i guess that isnt a viable choice in this day and age.

by this time, i had considered going to Japan to teach English. it was something i really wanted to do but there were responsibilities. how am i supposed to pursue my own life when i am tied down by things that i need to do? making sure the family was ok, that there was enough money for my parents, my sis. going away at this time might not be the right thing to do. being the eldest sucked. talked to AC about it once and she advised me not to give it up. there just needs to be a little bit more planning on my end. i had thought about saving a larger sum of money now so that i can send bits of it back to my parents in regular intervals. and continue doing so until my 'excursion' to Japan finished. it seems to be the plan for now...whether it will come to pass, only time will tell.

chua dropped by for a week in July as well. one of those sudden unannounced trips for him to reflect on his life direction as well. having him around for a good chat helped as well. as i helped him resolve conflicts, i too realised what i needed to do to get my things in order. well...at least for things that i can actually do. everything i had to resolve inside is still all over the place. my feeling of self-worth dwindles bit by bit everyday.

it didnt help when people all around me are hooking up , getting married, or constantly talking about how great it is to find someone they can spend the rest of their lives with.
dont get me wrong.
i am absolutely thrilled for them. they are my friends and they are good people. they deserve all the happiness they can get. the thing is, what does that leave me? i dont want pity or anything, but if the world works on a principle that good people deserve good things and a happy ending, where am i in that equation? does it mean i am not worth it? that i am not a good person? that the world finds me inadequate for happiness?
i love to see people happy (perhaps i should've been a clown or comedian) and i'd do my best to leave people i meet leaving with a sense of cheer or peace. when people i am with are happy, so am i, when they find someone who they are happy to be with, i'll support them as a friend and be happy for them, i just have to learn to accept that happiness might elude me for a long while (if not forever).


August(now)
and finally we are at the present. with national day preparations and celebrations on the horizon. having dinner with close friends and spending time with them always brings me out of the rut i am in. during those moments, i dont exist in that dark place that resides in my heart. i forget that life sucks. these 2 weeks have been one of the best throughout the year. mostly because there are lots of distractions. nadia and joel moving just a block away from me, dinner on national day, the national day ball, shopping for clothes for the national day ball, EKKA...all good things. i just hope that it can keep up.

i am feeling a little happier these days but perhaps it is only because i have been preoccupied.


i guess some might say...get over it! there are people worse off than you.
i know that. DUH!! i know i am quite fortunate, no serious disabilities; not exactly poor and starving, but there are other forms of misfortunes in a person's life. it is not always about the things we can see and touch that makes us fortunate or not. isnt that so? i guess you can not really compare one with the other. the honest truth is, though we are usually/try to be compassionate about the suffering of others, what is real is what we feel ourselves. when you feel pain, what others feel is irrelevant; at least for that point in time.

just last night on my way back to the city, sitting alone in the bus, something came clearly to mind. i am feeling lonely; alone; pain in my chest again. scenes from when i was still a teen came back like an instant replay. times when i had to take a bus or train home after school alone (well...no one lived THAT near me to travel together). you still remember those days? i did. it was for some reason, peaceful. the thought of being lonely never came to mind when i was travelling home alone. it was time when i could study people, or be alone with my thoughts. flash to the present and i am sitting alone on the bus. a sense of loneliness strangling the very life out of my lungs and piercing my chest with sharp, relentless pursuit. it doesnt matter for however long or short a period of time. when i am alone, i feel this sense of being in a void, with nothing and nobody around me. i wish it would stop.

i guess the messiness and the incoherence of this entry is a reflection of my mental and emotional state right now. i wish i was timeless, drifting endlessly for eternity, with no sense of time anymore, so that i may forget this pain and perhaps find something that might fill the void that, perhaps, has been there since many years ago, but only recently became a problem.

i wonder when my next entry will come. when something interesting happens again? another long-over-due type of entry? or maybe (cross-fingers) some good news? i dunno. haha. too tired to predict anything anymore. so here's to whoever is reading this and gaining some insight into what has been going through my head in the past few months. am i in depression, no matter how mild? am i losing hope? what will become of me over time? who knows? the only thing for sure is, i was a much happier person...