Friday the 13th

It only occurred to me when I read an email just now that it is Friday the 13th again.
The 'unluckiest' day of the year has arrived at our doorstep again. But I feel as bad as it already can get. Another 'unlucky' day didn't even affect me one bit.

Was chatting with Justin a few days ago about emotional roller coasters. One thing I mentioned was how I felt everyday. Feeling the extreme emotional ups and downs everyday. It's a cycle that I go through everyday since who-knows-when. I really hate waking up sometimes. I keep it all inside and I already feel like I am about to explode into a million little pieces, and when they finally put the pieces together, they won't find a heart. That part is so far eaten away...it cannot be found.

A little over-dramatic but that's how I feel. Everyday as I go through this cycle of loneliness, emptiness, cheerfulness, sleepiness...a little bit of my heart gets weakened and eaten away by the pain. It's like a part of me is lost everyday. Who knows when before there is nothing left inside.

There probably are people who know what I am talking about. Perhaps they feel the same way everyday. That it's not a matter of having people around you, or knowing that you are loved and cared about. It just the way you feel about your own life and where it is heading. That you wished so much for something to happen but it never came. That even when it finally happens, you're afraid that there is nothing left inside jump for joy.

Life is an unending road for things to happen. It doesn't stop just because you don't want to move forward. It's only that I choose not to do anything alone from now on. But my choice...is not for me to make either. Do you understand me?