2006-11-02

lost in thought while being 'stung'

here I am again. lost in thought and turmoil. all the while listening to Sting.
his music (followed up with Michael Buble) is especially good for meditation and reflection...believe me.

its days like this that make me wonder what I am doing with my life.

(in the background) *when we dance*

- should I stay in Brisbane?
- go home to Singapore?
- go to another state in Oz?
- go to another country and 'start over'?
- stay in IT or change profession?
- go back to Uni?

ARGH!!!
My choices are open to me...but which is my best course?
Where lies my destiny?
What do the Fates intend for me?
What has God intended for me?

*and as we walk in fields of gold*

And what am I supposed to do with this body?
I wake up to pain every morning and I go to bed with relief every night from its terrible clutches.
I mean...imagine every waking moment in your life is accompanied by some pain in some part of your body.
knee...back...neck...head...deck(LOL...private joke)
will technology progress fast enough for a cure to obesity and pain?
LOL...riiiight...it is all my responsibility you say?
TRY IT!!! but you cant, can you? try living as an overweight person for a day.
you'll soon understand.
the fact that I am mostly a calm person and not lashing out at everyone around me sometime amazes myself.
I am bitter and in pain.

*come fly with me*

not just physical pain. I am in pain inside as well.
years of emotional self abuse finally has caught up with me.
I never used to be so unhappy with life. everyday was just another day. no worries, no problems, no sadness. I was the type of person who didnt think much about the things that happen to me. I smiled most of the time. (ask anyone who knew me in pri, sec and JC).
what happened to that person...I miss that person.
and perhaps...everyone misses that person.
but the person you see now is no longer that jolly fat man...just a shadow of that once happy, smiling fat boy.

*I can only give you love that lasts forever*

I am trying though...trying to get past all this pain, this disappointment.
perhaps even learn how to be happy again. or should I wait for something to hit me hard enough on the head to forget everything for the past 2-3 years?
haha...this isnt a movie...this is life...and although life is weirder than in the movies...it aint gonna happen to me...I know it...I feel it. my life isnt destined to be material for a movie.

so here we are again...wondering what to do...nothing new. going on with life like a zombie. living day by day without anything to live for. maybe tt's wat I need...something to live for.
if there ever was/IS a reason for me to still be wasting the air in the world...please let me find it soon...real soon...

*how fragile we are*

3 comments:

QY said...

Hey, at least you have choices. That's gotta count for something, don't it? :) I, on the other hand, am at a dead end. Emotional pain - check. Physical pain - check. I have osteoathritis of the neck and the pain and/or ache is ever-present. May I join your club?

nadia said...

I belive that you shouldn't wait for "something" to happen before you decide your life will change or it will get better. You have to make that decision in your own mind "Yes, I am going to change my life NOW." I don't think you should set a date, so to speak, before you do something about it. I think it has to happen in the now.

Just remember that YOU are the only person who is responsible for your happiness. And only YOU have the power to decide, "I had enough of this bullshit and being so unhappy, I'm gonna change my attitude and behaviour TODAY."

Don't worry about the last few years. Who we were in our past will always be there. We just have to learn from it so that our present will be good.

In terms of decisions, just pick an option. It doesn't matter which one. Follow your heart because all your options have positives and negatives. Just pick one, and go where life takes you :)

the-red-knight said...

QY: I think we all do have choices. But actually making them into reality is the hard part. There is always a choice no matter wat. Exactly wat some of my great friends here have convinced me. But many of them tend to need tough sacrifices along the way...want to take the leap of faith together in our lives?
And yes....join the club of pain. (sounds so wrong)

nadia: thanks babe...esp the 'kick in the butt'