I'm Damaged But I Still Want My Christmas Wish

Day: Xmas Eve 2007
Scene: FAST Office Brisbane

I guess I am a workaholic? On my day off and I am in the office still.
Well...I am going to be in Singapore for about 3 weeks from the 27th so I setting some work affairs in order here before I leave.
So here I am! :P

The past few days has gotten me thinking again about what has happened over the last few years; memories of Joy, Peacefulness and Bliss but also Pain, Sadness and Regret. A normal thing during the festive season I guess...especially during Xmas. A time of Joy, Peace and most importantly...Hope.

Something that bugs me during this season is the knowledge that those who deserve happiness and blessings will get them. The irony is...I LOVE this 'idea' that karma, or whatever name it goes by, brings happiness to those who deserve it and takes it away from people who don't. This probably places me in the "not deserving" category immediately. Whatever I "good" I do now is only paying off the "bad" from my growing up.

Someday perhaps I might "pay off" the bad I guess. But it makes me wonder whether the scales are actually tipping (slowly or not) in my favor. The "series of unfortunate events" over the past few years seem to indicate that it hasn't. Albeit this, an old teaching from Catechism has kept me going a little everyday.

"God allows things to happen to you (good and bad) so to prepare you to handle what is coming up"

Is this true? Everyday I ask myself this question.
When will the time come when the holidays isn't a lonely period of time? It has been like that for so long that it almost feel second nature already. I am surprised that I haven't developed a seething hatred for this period of time.
Maybe the Xmas Play in Junior College helped a little. (so weird no? something so long ago and insignificant in many people's lives)
"When Hope Comes" was the title.
Back then I still fully believed in that.
That no matter how bad things turn out...Christmas is a shining beacon of light for those in the darkness of loss...sadness...loneliness.

I am damaged this way I guess. Jaded perhaps. Not as dramatic as you get from movies or television shows but a slow, quiet pained person.
I know I am not alone...this feeling is probably universal especially during the holidays. If only the world was a less cruel place. Then everyone can and will be happier.

But for now...just the next few days...I just want my wish to come true.
All I wish for this Xmas...is a little bliss.

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