the one with a surprised awakening

i woke up this morning to the loud exclaimation of my TV alarm: "Australia has won it!"
imagine that...a team which i had no faith in actually defeated the japanese by 2 goals. it's almost unable to fathom...but it seems fate had other plans indeed.
"go aussie!" i exclaim in unenthusiastic praise.

another form of awakening might be considered to be experienced on my way to work this morning. with sleepy bodies all around me and the lack of the hustle and bustle in the streets (probably because i left for work much earlier than normal), it was somewhat surreal. anyways, just sitting on the bus, with my mood music playing on the mp3, it occurred to me: i am not happy...and i havent been happy for a while now.

i dont mean that i dont laugh and joke when the opportunity arises, what i mean is the happiness you get when you wake up, when you go about your day, when you go to bed; the kind of 'inner' happiness when you realise you are alive.

perhaps this train of thought started a while back but it kinda took form last night when i had dinner with some of my closest friends here in good ol Brissie. they were happy, with people they love at their side or on their minds and of course, having their love back in return. the truth is...i am jealous...well...a little.

this feeling i have inside is so conflicting, i am happy for them of course...they are good people and they deserve the love and care of another person, esp from the ones they love. then comes the part that follows...the self-centered part. a questions pops into my mind: "why not me?" isnt it weird that the common question people ask is "why me?" whereas i am asking the opposite question?

someone might say this is pathetic, that i am pathetic for thinking and feeling this way. i wont argue. it truely isnt something to be proud of.
"move on"
"find someone who will cherish and love you"
that's what i hear from people, and of course...i have dished out the same to whom i thought needed to hear it.
i realised over the past few months that the words dont offer any comfort.
a surprised...more accurately...a rude awakening has come for me:
once bitten, never again(?)

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