Birthday

I am now 28 yrs and 1 day old...it feels the same.
It has been the same for the past few years. I want to be all celebratory and go "WOOHOO....PARTY!!!"...but it did not happen. Maybe I am older...less into the energetic celebrations and prefer a quieter, simpler celebration of the day I was inflicted upon this world. Haha.

It has felt...somewhat mundane to celebrate my own birthday for so long. Amidst my bestest friends taking the trouble of arranging a totally great dinner and on another night cooked for me (not to mention giving me a pair of fish which I hope won't die on me)...I feel un-needing of such things being done on my behalf.
Maybe I can even say that I don't really want to have celebrations of any kind.
Or maybe it's the depression talking. :P (of course I am not diagnosed with any kind of affliction but it just feels depressing)

I love my friends and family and (I hope...well...I know) they love me as well. But what I (suspect) have been lacking is similar to my reason for not going to WYD. There is no one to share these moments with. What I mean here is a deeper sense of sharing...a connection to another person...to be acknowleged as someone who can be loved.

Most people might not understand this feeling of "never being loved". It is usually not completely true...most of us got family and friends who love us. But in many ways...that kind of love is different. A person can be loved because he/she is family or he/she is the type of person you consider a friend. But somehow...it feels somewhat lacking in many areas. Just because there is still some aspect of you that is not accepted...not attractive enough...or just simply not enough to be loved.

Maybe it IS the age talking. Amidst the world around us...the violence, the wars, the petty arguements, the religions, the sexuality, the self-righteousness...I am perhaps very confused about everything as well. With so many friends finding happiness in their own way...I am confused as to why I haven't found a little corner of happiness for myself. Not the lack of trying...sort of.

Maybe the fish (Yin & Yang) given to me just might have the answers I seek.