My Thoughts . . .

I haven't really been writing a lot recently and I think part of the reason is because of bad time management and I no long write down impromptu stuff that comes to mind when I am doing other stuff in my life.
Eg. When I am walking down the street and I see something interesting or after a bad day of teaching or even having a totally relaxed day at home having done NOTHING.

I used to keep note of what I want to write about, albeit just a small note of the topic. I still do that on the phone with the Notes app but seriously...I hardly refer back to anything I noted there.

So I'll list down a few things I want to write about now and the next few posts will be on those 'topics'.
If you're reading this, help a dude out and suggest a few things that I can basically use to exercise my writing/thinking/brooding skills. ;)
Beginning to sound like 'Grumpy Old Men'.

So the next few posts might be about Bernie's(That's me) thoughts . . .
. . . on Friendship
. . . on Religion (All the Good Stuff)
. . . on Religion (All the BAD Stuff)
. . . on Living Abroad
. . . on Teaching as a Career
. . . on Being Single (and HATING it)
. . . on Being Single (and LOVING it)
. . . *Please help with more topics*

Two Oh Oh Nine (2009) In Review

Ah! 2009 is almost over.
I can't believe I put this off for almost 2 hours.
Perhaps subconsciously I was dreading thinking back over the past year and re-live the nonsense I went through.
It wasn't THAT bad really.
Just lots of ups and downs...loneliness and times filled with people...depression and elation...you know...the usual tones of a year gone by.


So let us start from the beginning, shall we?
The year started off pretty good actually.
Was still in Singapore and attended a few weddings of some old friends (one in particular was heart-breaking...for me that is...but that's another story).
Everything seemed smooth sailing right up till I got back to Brissy.
The Drama then began!


Within a month of returning to the office, I was informed that my services were no longer sustainable at FAST, and I was given my 4 weeks notice (at least there was that). Blame the GFC or just higher management decisions...it doesn't matter.
What really screwed me over was that at the same period of time, I was looking for and had found a new apartment to buy. The owners of the often missed Unit 2405 had decided to switch over to short-term leasing with OAKS (pooi!) and Lindsay and I were naturally informed of this last year.


I found an apartment with a great pricetag and promptly put in an offer, without much thought of anything that might derail my plans. But lo and behold (Murphy would have been so proud), the news of my lay off came on the same week I was given the option to back out of my offer (the owners have already accepted).
So what could I do? Back down and let this apartment fly out of my reach forever? Let this frustrating situation f**k up my plans for home ownership?
NO!
I went ahead (despite all the annoying little voices inside telling me not to) and bought the apartment. Naturally, this is exactly where I am writing this annual summary. In MY room of MY apartment. BRING IT ON! (well...not really...have mercy!)

After that, it was a long 3-4 months of job searching and waiting for some opportunity to pop up. I did little odd jobs to get some income in but mostly not enough to sustain loan repayments and living costs. My Savings had its life sucked dry very slowly.

But a twist of fate did bring some lucky fortune my way for once this year in June.
This was during Marion's visit to Brisbane. She bunked over at my place while she stopped over in Brissy and we had a short but good catching up. Perhaps she was my lucky charm as I had a successful interview for a teaching position at the Central Queensland University's Brisbane campus.


I ended up teaching 2 classes.
1. Java Programming
2. Database Development and Management

LOVE IT!
Ever since I decided against going into teaching (after my parents' disapproval) straight after NS, this is the first time I had a chance to actually return to that old dream.
I had originally planned to complete some post-grad studies before heading back to SG (eventually) to try for a teaching position at one of the Polytechnics.
The Fates definitely have a weird way of pushing me in the direction I wanted to go.


Right now, I still tip-toe along the thin line between being comfortable and having not enough to make my monthly repayments & quarterly body corps fees and city council rates; not to mention living expenses. But things are looking up as I might have more classes next semester onwards. &Fingers crossed*

Looking back...it truly wasn't a overly exciting year.
Only a few events (albeit MAJOR ones) had happened.
But they are more than enough for me to handle...more than enough for most I reckon.

All that's left is the emotional ups-and-downs for 2009.
THAT/THIS was actually what made this year so long and, at times, unbearable.

Where do we begin.
Sigh...
I don't even feel like mentioning them actually.
Ranging from loneliness, uncertainty, disappointment, repressed frustration, repressed anger, the loneliness, yearning, loss, the 'what if's, mental numbness, have I mentioned the Loneliness??!


ROFL
It really did suck.
Friends left or planning to leave Brissy for good, the "What if..." moments that occupied my mind all the time, the constantly returning "VOID" in my chest.
A head doctor might look at me over the last 12 months and declare me "depressed".
But I know better than to let that get me down.
I soldiered on...always...as much as possible...with a smile on my face.
All the while feeling this pain...behind my chest...between my 2nd and 3rd rib.

So I will trudge on...into the 2010s...still hoping to fill this empty space, left by years of neglect.
Next year might be a better one...it certainly seems to be heading in that general direction for my career.
Maybe my personal life will follow suit.

At that...I am done.
2009 will not be a year I will forget easily (or I might...who knows...I have many gaps in my memory all the time).


I wish you all a Merry Christmas (12 days remember?) and a Wonderful, Joyous, and a Happy New Year!

And in case anyone is wondering, I want this

for Christmas next year! ;)

**************************

The Doctor says it best

Quoted from Doctor Who 2008 Christmas Special (The Next Doctor)

"They leave because they should or because they find someone else. And some of them, some of them … forget me. I suppose in the end, they break my heart."

Final Night/Morning In Brissy for 2008

Merry Christmas Everyone!

So here I am...in my room...less than 12hrs before my flight back home to Singapore.
Finally finished packing my room just in case there is an unforeseen need.
Sleepy...tired...but somehow...unwilling to go to bed.

What is this I feel...this 'sian-ness'?
I want to go back...to spend time with my family and old friends, yet I don't want to leave this 'temporary' home and the friends I have here.
UGH...maybe it's the tiredness talking.
Gonna try and go to bed.

Love you all!

Sorry

There are many things I am sorry about:

I am sorry for being too short.
I am sorry for being too fat.
I am sorry for being not athletic.
I am sorry for being not big enough.
I am sorry for being not a genius.
I am sorry for being not funny.
I am sorry for not knowing what to say.
I am sorry for being not wealthy.
I am sorry for being not successful.
I am sorry for being lost with current affairs.
I am sorry for being crazy for science fiction.
I am sorry for remembering useless facts.
I am sorry for being a Movie and TV trivia nut.
I am sorry that I can't drive.
I am sorry that I don't have a car.
I am sorry for putting off getting a license as well.
I am sorry for being peace loving.
I am sorry for sitting on the fence during trivial arguments.
I am sorry for caring too much.
I am sorry for being too intense.
I am sorry for being a worry-wart.
I am sorry for spending money on flowers.
I am sorry for not making gifts from scratch.
I am sorry for missing that one song you wanted.
I am sorry for holding you tight.
I am sorry for being a Chinese man.
I am sorry for not being Caucasian.
I am sorry for my immaturity.
I am sorry for my ideals.
I am sorry for my dreams.
I am sorry for daydreaming sometimes.
I am sorry for dreaming of a better world.
I am sorry for my weird sense of humour.
I am sorry for screaming at the TV.
I am sorry for crying when something touching in on.
I am sorry for being a man.
I am sorry for being born the way I am.
I am sorry that I didn't sing for you.
I am sorry for the poems I wrote in my mind.
I am sorry for thinking we have a future together.
I am sorry for hoping for anything at all.
I am sorry that I adore the way you laugh.
I am sorry that I miss your smile.
I am sorry to allow myself to fall in love.
I am sorry that I fell in love with you.
:
:
But one day...soon...maybe...I won't need to say sorry anymore.

Need....Sleep....

ARGH!
I need sleep.
Couldn't sleep last night.
It was warmer than usual.
Tossed and Turned.
Sleepy...

The End of Another Olympics

Oh well...back to the mundane...that is normal life.
No more sports to watch when I go home. (Well...sports I actually want to watch)
No more beloved basketball matches which I have missed for >7 years.
Back to the usual TV programs that will devour your soul if you watch them week after week.
Oh well...let the soul rot begin!

Unexpected Surprise

An interesting read. More like unexpected. Enjoy and were you surprised as you got the the 10th listed place?

http://matadornights.com/where-to-find-the-hottest-girls-in-the-world-outside-the-us/

Cough, Choke, Wheez (ver. lost-count)

#&^%$^$#&%$@&@
AGAIN!
Coughing like a madman...and the meds are no longer working.
Is this body breaking?
Are these signs?
UGH.
I want to get better...completely.

Crouching Tiger

Can't believe I actually woke up to watch the PGA US Open Finals Playoff.
O_O
Sleepy now.
Tiger Woods won! YAY!
Unspectacular though.
Not one of those moments where you would've gone "WOW!!!!"
The other guy (Rocco Mediate) choked on the final hole...but they DID play to a draw to the 18th and then to sudden death.
Heh.
Sports.

Always Around the Corner Waiting

UGH!!!!
Always around the corner waiting for me...is a bug waiting to make me sick.
Go to Singapore...sick.
Come back to Brissy...sick.
SICK SICK SICK!!!
F!#R#@%^@$#%#!%%#$^#@%#$

A Few More Hours

Sigh...I dislike this kinda countdowns..."Hrs Left in XX"
:P
So I will be gone in less than 10 hrs.
I will miss you my love...my darling.
My body leaves but my heart has always been here with you.
Miss Me!

Miss Me Dearly

Sigh....one more day left in SG before rushing back to Brissy.
To this country and the people I care for:

"Miss me...for I shall Miss you Dearly"

All the things I will leave behind again.
All the joys and struggles I cannot share with you all.
I regret not being there...not about to be there.
Keep me close to your heart and I shall keep you close to mine as well.
*Muak*
And Farewell!

Hell In The Tropics

The HEAT!!!!
I can't stand the HEAT!!!!
I am sweating bucket loads everyday...sigh!!!
Maybe I'll be lighter when I go back cos it'll be like being in a sauna for 6 days here. (Nah...unlikely)
Help meeeeeeee....

Tonight I Leave You Baby

Brissy Baby!!!
I am leaving tonight.
I feel so insecure...so hesistant.
Will you forgive me for leaving?
I'll be back soon....real soon.
Don't forget me.
Love me like you always have...

WOOHOO!!!

Ok...first thing to say...I fixed the "comments" link so please do start commenting again...hahaha.

Next thing...I GOT MY RAISE!!!!!!
WOOHOO!!!!!!
:P

Reality Checkmate

So I am home today.
Took the day off because I wanted a break from work and well...I am cooking for 12 people tonight so I gotta spend some time preparing and buying the groceries as well.
Feeling somewhat numb all over again.

A Reality Check is what I got a few days back.
The story is as such:
Debbie and Amy are in town and have been since last Friday.
So since that day...I have accompanied them on certain parts of their holiday.
Went to the Casino for brunch/lunch with them and AC&UM, to the gold coast for dinner as well as a Glow Worm Tour with Debs on Monday night. Tuesday night dinner with them and Nadia at the Purple Olive. Wednesday dinner at Singapura, Mt Coot-that and 3 Monkeys. And tonight...I'll be cooking for the bunch of them.

It has been fun. Really fun. Tiring as it may be.
This few days has been the highlight of my year.
But something has been biting into my chest since last week. It has been great to spend time...REAL time...with her again. But there was this invisible wall between us. Sigh!

The guys have been telling me to move on...to give up that little emotion that I still hold onto. All logic tells me to as well. She is not into me. She has someone else back home...someone who probably gives her the happiness that I want to give her. But...but...ARGH...I can't. I tried to suppress and forget. I tried indulging in other things and focus myself on other things.
I tried.
I tried and failed.
I don't want to lie to myself.
I still love her.
But there is nothing I can do about it.
It takes 2 hands to clap and all that jazz...etc

I want to reject this present reality and substitute my own.
How can I do that?
I want that manual to life's problems so I know what I can do right now.
It is truly impossible to get someone to love you back?
Are all pairings pre-destined in the stars...in our stars?
I want to win this game of chess with fate.
And hold her in my arms and protect her best that I can.
To bring that smile to her face everyday.
The smile I remember so clearly in my mind.
I want to make this Reality Checkmate.

The Colour That Is You

Was gonna write about my mood at the moment but the profile below really does put it very clearly.
-------------------------------------------
Your ColorGenics profile has been generated below...

Name: Bernard
Date: 4/4/2008
Colorgenics Number: 41352706

You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You feel that you need to move on. You feel that you are not appreciated or valued for what you are and that the time is 'now'. Failure to do so will not afford you the conditions to prove your worth.

Shave for a Cure - Come! Partake in Charity

Well...the time is here again.
The Leukaemia Foundation's "World's Greatest Shave" Weekend is coming.


Link: http://www.worldsgreatestshave.com/

It's this weekend actually.
So I decided to make an event out of it.
Already invited friends to partake in my shaving "ritual" planning for tomorrow evening at the Pig "n" Whistle.

It's for a good cause, I can try to get people to donate some money for it, and at the same time (selfishly) get a hair cut (it's not free BTW...LOL).

Gotta say...it works out well with timing. Haven't done this since 3 years ago and it felt right to go for it again. Even better...I am in this "renewal and refresh" stage of this year/my life and this coincides with the whole "change" factor. Take it as cleansing of old and past, embracing the present and welcoming the future.

So join me there ok?
I will be at the Pig "N" Whistle (Riverside, Brisbane) from 6.00pm (I'll get myself "shaved" by 7).
Join me for drinks, take photos, and then dinner afterwards, probably in the Valley.
And $1 is donated to Charity for every drink sold till 8pm.

A (Un)Healthy Year for All???

Read this http://health.asiaone.com/Health/News/Story/A1Story20080121-45954.html

Is EVERYONE going to be sick or dying this year?
O_o
This person is either very very negative with his predictions or we are all doooooooomed!!!