My Thoughts . . .

I haven't really been writing a lot recently and I think part of the reason is because of bad time management and I no long write down impromptu stuff that comes to mind when I am doing other stuff in my life.
Eg. When I am walking down the street and I see something interesting or after a bad day of teaching or even having a totally relaxed day at home having done NOTHING.

I used to keep note of what I want to write about, albeit just a small note of the topic. I still do that on the phone with the Notes app but seriously...I hardly refer back to anything I noted there.

So I'll list down a few things I want to write about now and the next few posts will be on those 'topics'.
If you're reading this, help a dude out and suggest a few things that I can basically use to exercise my writing/thinking/brooding skills. ;)
Beginning to sound like 'Grumpy Old Men'.

So the next few posts might be about Bernie's(That's me) thoughts . . .
. . . on Friendship
. . . on Religion (All the Good Stuff)
. . . on Religion (All the BAD Stuff)
. . . on Living Abroad
. . . on Teaching as a Career
. . . on Being Single (and HATING it)
. . . on Being Single (and LOVING it)
. . . *Please help with more topics*

Nostalgia

What is this feeling?
A sense of longing?
Of Belonging.
Of something of past?
It's fading really fast...
Screaming silently.
Tearing my heart into pieces.
Into dust.
Nostalgia...
It sucks...maybe.

Sorry

There are many things I am sorry about:

I am sorry for being too short.
I am sorry for being too fat.
I am sorry for being not athletic.
I am sorry for being not big enough.
I am sorry for being not a genius.
I am sorry for being not funny.
I am sorry for not knowing what to say.
I am sorry for being not wealthy.
I am sorry for being not successful.
I am sorry for being lost with current affairs.
I am sorry for being crazy for science fiction.
I am sorry for remembering useless facts.
I am sorry for being a Movie and TV trivia nut.
I am sorry that I can't drive.
I am sorry that I don't have a car.
I am sorry for putting off getting a license as well.
I am sorry for being peace loving.
I am sorry for sitting on the fence during trivial arguments.
I am sorry for caring too much.
I am sorry for being too intense.
I am sorry for being a worry-wart.
I am sorry for spending money on flowers.
I am sorry for not making gifts from scratch.
I am sorry for missing that one song you wanted.
I am sorry for holding you tight.
I am sorry for being a Chinese man.
I am sorry for not being Caucasian.
I am sorry for my immaturity.
I am sorry for my ideals.
I am sorry for my dreams.
I am sorry for daydreaming sometimes.
I am sorry for dreaming of a better world.
I am sorry for my weird sense of humour.
I am sorry for screaming at the TV.
I am sorry for crying when something touching in on.
I am sorry for being a man.
I am sorry for being born the way I am.
I am sorry that I didn't sing for you.
I am sorry for the poems I wrote in my mind.
I am sorry for thinking we have a future together.
I am sorry for hoping for anything at all.
I am sorry that I adore the way you laugh.
I am sorry that I miss your smile.
I am sorry to allow myself to fall in love.
I am sorry that I fell in love with you.
:
:
But one day...soon...maybe...I won't need to say sorry anymore.

Cycle

The cycle doesn't end
It never ends
To then Fro
Up then Down
Left then Right
Gone then Back again
It just never ends
The same pains
Same old hurt
Nothing ever changes
The cuts don't bring fresh pain
Just the same old wounds over and over again
This cycle hasn't ended
It feels like it has been so long
It HAS been so long
I am helpless
Perhaps I deserve this
A never-ending cycle of hurt, retribution, solitude
Tomorrow I live the day I had Yesterday
Never knowing a new dawn
A dawn I just can't see
No matter what I do
Everything is a waste
All fruitless
Experience has taught me to halt
Seeking peace is all in vain
Maybe it's time to end
Finally time to carve memories into stone
And join the dark of night
To rejoin the cycle
The cycle of pain

From RWT: Eyes Towards Home This Festive Season

A post I wrote at Red, White & Traveling that I felt needed to be here as well.

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The smell of "Bakua" fills my nostrils with heavenly aromas.
The smell of incense along the street sides fueled by offerings for a Prosperous and Fortune-filled year ahead.
The noisy streets filled with shopping-crazed people waiting for a bargain.
The mad rush to buy snacks and biscuits from the street vendors immediately after the clock strikes 12 on Chinese New Year.
Televisions blasting all over the neighborhood with variety shows celebrating and welcoming the lunar new year.
The clamoring of mahjong tiles deep into the night.
All things that I will miss this year again while I am away from home in a different and foreign land.

This is another year when I am not home during this Festive season. When everyone is getting ready for the new year. Getting haircuts, buying new clothes, cleaning out the house and preparing for a "feast" with family on the eve of the new year.
Another year when we (the ones without family here) have to make our own plans to gather with the 'family' of friends that depend on one another here to get that sense of 'closeness' that we get back home.

I miss being back home. How many of you feel the same?
It's never about the amount of time you spend there during your breaks or holidays, but it's about being there. It's about being part of it all.
Over here...it just feels different somehow.
Even amongst the Lion Dance and Firecrackers you can experience in Chinatown or eating the same food you can get back home, I still look fondly towards home this season...hoping I was there.

Attractiveness

Got this stupid thought stuck in my head since I woke up and just needed to get it out here: "What makes a person attractive?"

So? What actually DOES make a person attractive to another?
The basic answer I believe (especially in this day and age) is how the rest of the world has programmed us into thinking, "What is attractive".

The modern world, filled with magazines and endless streaming of television, radio and advertisement tells us that slim, fit people are attractive.
For men, a V-shaped torso with well toned muscles, tall (this is relative of course), man-scaped (this is relative again of course) and for some people, a good sized penis (Haha...again...very very relative to personal preferences).
For women, it's either a thin body that seems to resemble some sort of clothes rack or a voluptuous/curvaceous body with large breasts.
Of course...this is only a very very general description of what the modern world considers attractive. Don't fault me for being brief...I am too lazy to go into details.

But in some cultures (or even normal people), contrary to this "modern" perspective of attractiveness, people who are different to this 'template' (aka, being a little on the weighty side or just being different) are considered more desirable than the stick-insect-looking women or the "Adonis" male.

This is only the physical side of things of course.
Caught Part 2 on tele a few days ago of "Dr Tatiana's Guide to Sex for All Creatures" and it was interesting what she had brought up. Human beings are the only creatures in this world that attributes more than just physical makeup and the urge to find the best Genes for their offspring when choosing their mates.

So why are humans needing of more than just physical prowess or dominance or even just good Genes to be with someone? Is it a sub-conscious realisation that physical superiority during the phases of courtship will eventually fade with time? (Come on! that young tight body of your significant other will almost definitely disappear with age) Or is there a deeper need to fill an emotional space that animals might not experience or prioritise?

Makes good reflection material I think.
Of course there are people who still conform to their animalistic urges and you see them ending up with their perfect physical specimens despite their partners' lack of intelligence, morals or even common decency. Maybe they are acting on something more primal and instinctual. The need to find the strongest of the lot out there.
Ironically, the world is slowly becoming one of mental power and not physical.
Back in the stone age...physical prowess definitely "ruled them all" but today...the computer nerd back in school will probably own the company you work in.

So what makes a person attractive to you? Maybe it's time to think about what you really want. A scene from Ugly Betty made an impact on me. It was when someone pointed out that he was not as attractive as the model in the room, but what you see there (pointing at the model) will become this (points at himself) in 20 years. It just so happens that he got there first.
Cool huh? :P

What do I find attractive? That's the question I asked myself this whole morning. Pushing past the list of physical attributes (I should be the last to even make a list...I'm not exactly Brad Pitt here...but oh well), I realised the most important thing to me is to feel like I am actually wanted. If a woman makes it clear that she wants me, for me and for me to be there, DAMN!!! that is attractive. Maybe it points to other issues I face but hey...it's who/what I am.

Leaf, Tree and Wind

Found this on CBB and just wanted to share. (Had to make grammar and spelling corrections -_- ROFL)
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Tree

People called me “Tree”.

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is this one other girl whom I loved a lot but never dared to go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, a good figure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility.

The reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together, all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid that gossip from other people would hurt her. I felt that if she became my girl, she’ll be mine ultimately & I wouldn't have to give up everything just for her. This last reason, made her stay around for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.

She was a good actor, and I was a demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, “Go on!” before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what made her cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training and found her crying in the classroom for an hour or so.

My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that, based on her character, she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my break up. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together with someone else. I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down.

How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read an SMS on my hp. It said, “Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay?”


Leaf

People called me Leaf.

During my 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.

I liked him & I know he liked me. But why didn’t he pursue me?
Since he loves me why didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that mine was one-sided love.
If he didn’t like me, why did he treat me so well? It was beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I never figured out. You can’t expect me, a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side - care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me.

Because of this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

At the end of my 3rd year, a junior started pursuing me. Everyday he chased me. He was like a cool & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf off a tree. Eventually, I realized that I wanted to give this Wind a small footing in my heart. I know the Wind will bring the Leaf to a better place. Finally, Leaf left the Tree, but the Tree only smiled & didn’t ask the Leaf to stay.

Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay?


Wind

I liked a girl called Leaf. But because she was so dependent on Tree, I would have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away.

When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person watching my seniors & I playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. Whenever he talked to other girls, there was jealousy in her eyes. Whenever he looked at her, there was a smile on her face. Just like her watching him, watching her became my habit as well.

One day, she didn’t appear. I felt something missing. I can’t explain the feeling except that it was a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepted the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.

It read, “Leaf’s heart is too heavy and the wind couldn’t blow her away.”

“It’s not that Leaf's heart is too heavy. It's because Leaf never wanted to leave Tree.” I replied her note with this statement and slowly, from that day on, she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me but I have this belief that one day I will make her like me.

Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will sway away from the topic, but I never gave up. I decided that I want her to be mine and I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to avoid it, I still held onto a small ray of hope.

Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend, I finally asked her over the phone one day. There was silence over the phone so I asked, “What are you doing? How come you didn’t want to reply?” And she said, “I’m nodding my head”. “Ah?” I replied. I couldn’t believe my ears. “I’m nodding my head”, she replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi to rush to her place. When she opened the door, I hugged her tightly.

Leaf's departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay…
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Didn't do too much editing...just enough to make the story logical.
So what do you think of the 3 characters? Can you relate to any of them?

Reading this took me back to secondary school...when all this was commonplace among friends. And in some ways...with some people now...it still happens daily.
How stupid are we if we never learnt from the mistakes this story highlights about our lives?

So who do you want to end up?
Leaf?...Tree?...or Wind?

Where Are You My Love

Not really a poem but more like a letter to the one I am destined to be with:

Where are you my love?
I am still waiting for you.
Have we met already?
Are you already by my side?
I yearn for you everyday.
Waking up every morning is torture without you by my side.
That sweet look you have when you are asleep.
I kiss you on your forehead as I brush off that stray hair.
Realising you are finally in my arms, I tighten my embrace.
I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found you.
Have you found me?
Why can't I see you yet?
Where are you?
Do you even exist?
The person who will love me as much as I will love you.
Never to let go.
Every moment spent without you is a torture.
And so I am a tortured soul wandering day after day.
Waiting for us to meet.
Have we met?
Do we already know each other?
Why do I ask this, you wonder?
Until destiny brings you to me, to be the eternal matchmaker for us, with the right scene, the right time and the right words, we have not met.
I loved you even before I met you.
Because I know the value of love.
Will we meet eventually?
Till then I will wait...For the day we finally find each other.

Genesis of Self Harm

It usually starts with a word, an innocent word.
You ignored it at first but then it suddenly returns.
It festers in your mind and before you know it, you are focusing on the bad things it represents.
You become conscious of it.
You try to snap out of it but only to bring about more painful memories.
The pain from your past suddenly re-surfaces.
In your gut.
In your chest.
Your heart starts to beat faster, faster than it should.
A headache sets in.
Slowly.
Thump...THUMP...THUMP!!!
Pain grips your chest; you can't breath.
Tears well up on the sides of your eyes.
You just want it to end.
You don't want to remember the pain.
Every instance of rejection floods your thoughts.
Things you thought you got over but now they bulldoze over the little bit of sanity left in you.
It's illogical but it feels as real as the hands in front of you.
You feel tired...your chest still feels tight.
Tighter.
Self doubt sets in hard.
You aren't good enough for anyone.
No one will ever love you.
You'll forever be alone.
You can no longer control the tears from falling.
You want it to end.
And then you see the blade sitting on the table...

An Uneasy Feeling

An Uneasy Feeling
an unknown feeling grips me
a deep strangle on my inside
if only I could look in and see
what it really is that causes me unease
something is about to happen
I can feel it in my gut
my stomach is bent and twisted
my throats feels like it has been cut
I wonder with uneasing tension
about unknown days to come
will we survive the incoming storm
or am I just being paranoid?
about the things to come
please soothe this terrible feeling
take it all from me
or at least let me understand
a future made by the powers that be

Missing You

Missing You
my heart pulsed, a pain returns
beneath the starlit heavens
looking up into forever
lying on the grass wishing you were here
words born from songs filled my mind
thoughts from heaven filled my soul
a longing...painfully etched in
knowing nothing is all i seek
my heart was yours before we met
everything i have is yours to keep
but there you left me alone
to face this world by myself
waiting for your call
i lie here
missing your voice
your embrace
your touch
your kiss
and here will i lie
till the day we meet