Two Oh Oh Nine (2009) In Review

Ah! 2009 is almost over.
I can't believe I put this off for almost 2 hours.
Perhaps subconsciously I was dreading thinking back over the past year and re-live the nonsense I went through.
It wasn't THAT bad really.
Just lots of ups and downs...loneliness and times filled with people...depression and elation...you know...the usual tones of a year gone by.


So let us start from the beginning, shall we?
The year started off pretty good actually.
Was still in Singapore and attended a few weddings of some old friends (one in particular was heart-breaking...for me that is...but that's another story).
Everything seemed smooth sailing right up till I got back to Brissy.
The Drama then began!


Within a month of returning to the office, I was informed that my services were no longer sustainable at FAST, and I was given my 4 weeks notice (at least there was that). Blame the GFC or just higher management decisions...it doesn't matter.
What really screwed me over was that at the same period of time, I was looking for and had found a new apartment to buy. The owners of the often missed Unit 2405 had decided to switch over to short-term leasing with OAKS (pooi!) and Lindsay and I were naturally informed of this last year.


I found an apartment with a great pricetag and promptly put in an offer, without much thought of anything that might derail my plans. But lo and behold (Murphy would have been so proud), the news of my lay off came on the same week I was given the option to back out of my offer (the owners have already accepted).
So what could I do? Back down and let this apartment fly out of my reach forever? Let this frustrating situation f**k up my plans for home ownership?
NO!
I went ahead (despite all the annoying little voices inside telling me not to) and bought the apartment. Naturally, this is exactly where I am writing this annual summary. In MY room of MY apartment. BRING IT ON! (well...not really...have mercy!)

After that, it was a long 3-4 months of job searching and waiting for some opportunity to pop up. I did little odd jobs to get some income in but mostly not enough to sustain loan repayments and living costs. My Savings had its life sucked dry very slowly.

But a twist of fate did bring some lucky fortune my way for once this year in June.
This was during Marion's visit to Brisbane. She bunked over at my place while she stopped over in Brissy and we had a short but good catching up. Perhaps she was my lucky charm as I had a successful interview for a teaching position at the Central Queensland University's Brisbane campus.


I ended up teaching 2 classes.
1. Java Programming
2. Database Development and Management

LOVE IT!
Ever since I decided against going into teaching (after my parents' disapproval) straight after NS, this is the first time I had a chance to actually return to that old dream.
I had originally planned to complete some post-grad studies before heading back to SG (eventually) to try for a teaching position at one of the Polytechnics.
The Fates definitely have a weird way of pushing me in the direction I wanted to go.


Right now, I still tip-toe along the thin line between being comfortable and having not enough to make my monthly repayments & quarterly body corps fees and city council rates; not to mention living expenses. But things are looking up as I might have more classes next semester onwards. &Fingers crossed*

Looking back...it truly wasn't a overly exciting year.
Only a few events (albeit MAJOR ones) had happened.
But they are more than enough for me to handle...more than enough for most I reckon.

All that's left is the emotional ups-and-downs for 2009.
THAT/THIS was actually what made this year so long and, at times, unbearable.

Where do we begin.
Sigh...
I don't even feel like mentioning them actually.
Ranging from loneliness, uncertainty, disappointment, repressed frustration, repressed anger, the loneliness, yearning, loss, the 'what if's, mental numbness, have I mentioned the Loneliness??!


ROFL
It really did suck.
Friends left or planning to leave Brissy for good, the "What if..." moments that occupied my mind all the time, the constantly returning "VOID" in my chest.
A head doctor might look at me over the last 12 months and declare me "depressed".
But I know better than to let that get me down.
I soldiered on...always...as much as possible...with a smile on my face.
All the while feeling this pain...behind my chest...between my 2nd and 3rd rib.

So I will trudge on...into the 2010s...still hoping to fill this empty space, left by years of neglect.
Next year might be a better one...it certainly seems to be heading in that general direction for my career.
Maybe my personal life will follow suit.

At that...I am done.
2009 will not be a year I will forget easily (or I might...who knows...I have many gaps in my memory all the time).


I wish you all a Merry Christmas (12 days remember?) and a Wonderful, Joyous, and a Happy New Year!

And in case anyone is wondering, I want this

for Christmas next year! ;)

**************************

The One With The Wondering

So how long has it been this time?
2 weeks?
Well....4 weeks since I properly wrote anything.
What has been happening?
Lots!

Well...firstly...my previous post was as such because I was FIRED!
Sort of.
After 3.5 years, I was finally asked to leave FAST.
Financial reasons within the company has made it impossible to retain me as a contractor.
Sigh...perhaps I had been at FAST for too long a time, as a contractor. I have been absolutely neglecting my self-development and got too comfortable at this one workplace.
Contractors are supposed to last maybe 3-6 mths at a project...and move on.
I had a good run.
But I wasn't expecting it.
That was the problem.
I was shocked...lost...devastated.
It felt like I was being rejected again.
It was irrational behaviour but it was a real emotion I felt.

So with 2 weeks' notice given, I was left without a job.
Olivier offered something for 4-6 weeks but that is temporary as well.
Gotta find myself something to live on.
- Tutoring at the various colleges in Brisbane?
- Taking up a course so I can work as a Barista?
- Going back to work as a programmer?
- Or return to Singapore and try pursue my eventual dream...to teach at a Poly or Uni.
I wonder what is going to happen.

OH! I bought an apartment.
A unit in Rivercity.
And till yesterday....it was just hurdle after hurdle.
SIGH.
There is still one small hitch but I am sure God will make it work for me.

I am tired and confused about life.
About my Future.
About Love...or the lack of it.
I am still figuring out stuff...I thank God for all I have...I just need direction now.
And maybe...God Willing...some Love too.

Shave for a Cure - Come! Partake in Charity

Well...the time is here again.
The Leukaemia Foundation's "World's Greatest Shave" Weekend is coming.


Link: http://www.worldsgreatestshave.com/

It's this weekend actually.
So I decided to make an event out of it.
Already invited friends to partake in my shaving "ritual" planning for tomorrow evening at the Pig "n" Whistle.

It's for a good cause, I can try to get people to donate some money for it, and at the same time (selfishly) get a hair cut (it's not free BTW...LOL).

Gotta say...it works out well with timing. Haven't done this since 3 years ago and it felt right to go for it again. Even better...I am in this "renewal and refresh" stage of this year/my life and this coincides with the whole "change" factor. Take it as cleansing of old and past, embracing the present and welcoming the future.

So join me there ok?
I will be at the Pig "N" Whistle (Riverside, Brisbane) from 6.00pm (I'll get myself "shaved" by 7).
Join me for drinks, take photos, and then dinner afterwards, probably in the Valley.
And $1 is donated to Charity for every drink sold till 8pm.

Attractiveness

Got this stupid thought stuck in my head since I woke up and just needed to get it out here: "What makes a person attractive?"

So? What actually DOES make a person attractive to another?
The basic answer I believe (especially in this day and age) is how the rest of the world has programmed us into thinking, "What is attractive".

The modern world, filled with magazines and endless streaming of television, radio and advertisement tells us that slim, fit people are attractive.
For men, a V-shaped torso with well toned muscles, tall (this is relative of course), man-scaped (this is relative again of course) and for some people, a good sized penis (Haha...again...very very relative to personal preferences).
For women, it's either a thin body that seems to resemble some sort of clothes rack or a voluptuous/curvaceous body with large breasts.
Of course...this is only a very very general description of what the modern world considers attractive. Don't fault me for being brief...I am too lazy to go into details.

But in some cultures (or even normal people), contrary to this "modern" perspective of attractiveness, people who are different to this 'template' (aka, being a little on the weighty side or just being different) are considered more desirable than the stick-insect-looking women or the "Adonis" male.

This is only the physical side of things of course.
Caught Part 2 on tele a few days ago of "Dr Tatiana's Guide to Sex for All Creatures" and it was interesting what she had brought up. Human beings are the only creatures in this world that attributes more than just physical makeup and the urge to find the best Genes for their offspring when choosing their mates.

So why are humans needing of more than just physical prowess or dominance or even just good Genes to be with someone? Is it a sub-conscious realisation that physical superiority during the phases of courtship will eventually fade with time? (Come on! that young tight body of your significant other will almost definitely disappear with age) Or is there a deeper need to fill an emotional space that animals might not experience or prioritise?

Makes good reflection material I think.
Of course there are people who still conform to their animalistic urges and you see them ending up with their perfect physical specimens despite their partners' lack of intelligence, morals or even common decency. Maybe they are acting on something more primal and instinctual. The need to find the strongest of the lot out there.
Ironically, the world is slowly becoming one of mental power and not physical.
Back in the stone age...physical prowess definitely "ruled them all" but today...the computer nerd back in school will probably own the company you work in.

So what makes a person attractive to you? Maybe it's time to think about what you really want. A scene from Ugly Betty made an impact on me. It was when someone pointed out that he was not as attractive as the model in the room, but what you see there (pointing at the model) will become this (points at himself) in 20 years. It just so happens that he got there first.
Cool huh? :P

What do I find attractive? That's the question I asked myself this whole morning. Pushing past the list of physical attributes (I should be the last to even make a list...I'm not exactly Brad Pitt here...but oh well), I realised the most important thing to me is to feel like I am actually wanted. If a woman makes it clear that she wants me, for me and for me to be there, DAMN!!! that is attractive. Maybe it points to other issues I face but hey...it's who/what I am.

Leaf, Tree and Wind

Found this on CBB and just wanted to share. (Had to make grammar and spelling corrections -_- ROFL)
---------------------------------------------
Tree

People called me “Tree”.

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is this one other girl whom I loved a lot but never dared to go after. She didn’t have a pretty face, a good figure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility.

The reason for not going after her was because I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together, all the feelings would vanish. I was also afraid that gossip from other people would hurt her. I felt that if she became my girl, she’ll be mine ultimately & I wouldn't have to give up everything just for her. This last reason, made her stay around for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.

She was a good actor, and I was a demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, “Go on!” before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what made her cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training and found her crying in the classroom for an hour or so.

My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that, based on her character, she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my break up. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together with someone else. I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down.

How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read an SMS on my hp. It said, “Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay?”


Leaf

People called me Leaf.

During my 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hid my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.

I liked him & I know he liked me. But why didn’t he pursue me?
Since he loves me why didn’t he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that mine was one-sided love.
If he didn’t like me, why did he treat me so well? It was beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I never figured out. You can’t expect me, a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side - care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me.

Because of this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

At the end of my 3rd year, a junior started pursuing me. Everyday he chased me. He was like a cool & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf off a tree. Eventually, I realized that I wanted to give this Wind a small footing in my heart. I know the Wind will bring the Leaf to a better place. Finally, Leaf left the Tree, but the Tree only smiled & didn’t ask the Leaf to stay.

Leaf’s departure is because of Wind’s pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay?


Wind

I liked a girl called Leaf. But because she was so dependent on Tree, I would have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away.

When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person watching my seniors & I playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. Whenever he talked to other girls, there was jealousy in her eyes. Whenever he looked at her, there was a smile on her face. Just like her watching him, watching her became my habit as well.

One day, she didn’t appear. I felt something missing. I can’t explain the feeling except that it was a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepted the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.

It read, “Leaf’s heart is too heavy and the wind couldn’t blow her away.”

“It’s not that Leaf's heart is too heavy. It's because Leaf never wanted to leave Tree.” I replied her note with this statement and slowly, from that day on, she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me but I have this belief that one day I will make her like me.

Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will sway away from the topic, but I never gave up. I decided that I want her to be mine and I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can’t remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to avoid it, I still held onto a small ray of hope.

Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend, I finally asked her over the phone one day. There was silence over the phone so I asked, “What are you doing? How come you didn’t want to reply?” And she said, “I’m nodding my head”. “Ah?” I replied. I couldn’t believe my ears. “I’m nodding my head”, she replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi to rush to her place. When she opened the door, I hugged her tightly.

Leaf's departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn’t ask her to stay…
---------------------------------------------

Didn't do too much editing...just enough to make the story logical.
So what do you think of the 3 characters? Can you relate to any of them?

Reading this took me back to secondary school...when all this was commonplace among friends. And in some ways...with some people now...it still happens daily.
How stupid are we if we never learnt from the mistakes this story highlights about our lives?

So who do you want to end up?
Leaf?...Tree?...or Wind?

The one compared to a summer's day

A scene from a movie popped into mind just now.
It is a scene from the movie "It's a Boy-Girl Thing".
Another chick flick about 2 people who swapped bodies.
Haha...but that's not important.
It's the line in the movie that struck me.
There was a scene when the 'girl' was teaching the 'guy' who was in her body about Shakespeare.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
I never knew that it meant "You are HOT!"
Haha...interesting isn't it?

I've always wondered how things might have turned out if I took English Literature on a tutor's advice instead of Geography back in Junior College.
For one thing, I'll be in a different class.
Cos my class was strung together because of Geography; the common subject.
With Geog, Econs and Maths C, I would've been in Arts3 instead of Arts4.
Don't think there was a Geog, Lit and Maths C combination back then.
Anyways...the people whom I called classmates would've been different and things might have turned out VERY differently indeed.

Aside from the minor changes here and there...I probably wouldn't have gotten myself injured back then playing in the inter-class tournaments.
I wouldn't have been placed into Pes C in the Army and become an army Mechanic.
I wouldn't have met the people who would've influenced my decision to come to Australia to study.
Hell...I might not even have needed to come to Australia.
I wouldn't have met the people here, stayed here and become the person I am today.
I would have continued after the NUS orientation camp (which I attended 'illegally') the friendships I made in those few days.
Among them might have been the girl I might spend the rest of my life with.
But that said...being here...I might be on my way to meet this girl still.

Life would've been extremely different, come to think of it.
If I never left Singapore, I might still be that naive boy who doesn't question things when they happen or when they are told to me.
I wouldn't question that people should be treated equally, no matter Race, Creed, Religion EXCEPT Sexual Orientation. (Geddit? Hahaha)
I fact...I think if I stayed in Singapore, I might be one of those people who stays in church all the time and never questioning the 'wisdom' of the church.
WOW...I can't imagine myself being that person.
O_O

A flap of a little butterfly's wings can truly and possibly create a hurricane at the other end of the world.

And guess what?
I might NEVER have found out what the phrase "compare thee to a summer's day" meant.

Embrace the 'Now' - A message to everyone I know

Sounds like a self-improvement tagline or something someone would say at a religious retreat no?
But this thought just popped into mind and I thought to share it with you.

From the looming possibility of escalated conflict and war around the world to the preached chaos spear-headed by people who do not and will not accept people different from themselves, it seems petty and childish for ourselves to focus on our own little conflicts and disagreements.

What I am proposing is for you to make up with one person with whom you have a disagreement with (be it a fight, an argument, or even a seething hatred) and close that distance between the 2 of you.
Be the gracious one,
Be the first to apologise
Be the first to extend a hand of friendship
Be the first to give a hug
Be the first to perform an unexpected act of kindness
Be the first to accept the other person despite their short-comings (you have them too)

If everyone started with these or something similar), we wouldn't have all these conflicts around us. The world might end tomorrow because some over zealous fool presses the red button. So why leave for tomorrow something you can fix today, before it might be too late.

I am not trying to be religious or self righteous, the next step IS yours and yours alone.
But for me...I am going to try and be nicer to people around me and extend my Love to them as I hoped to be Loved in return.

Keeping my mouth shut

Its nights like these that remind me to keep my trap shut.
Dont say anything...dont get involved with anything.
Nothing good ever comes out of getting involved with something that doesnt concern you.

Almost Cheated

%$#^%@&#$&*$@%&!@

WTF

UGH

Almost got cheated this morning on my way to work.

Hopped onto a Yellow Cab from Albert Street to rush to work and once I got on, I saw the readout for the fare. It had "1.10 surcharge" already on before the driver pressed the button to start the fare.
Went about telling him how to get to my office as usual with that thought in mind.

When we finally got to my office, lo and behold, the fare jumped up by $1.10.
So I asked him, "I thought there wasnt a surcharge if you got onto a cab at a taxi stand?" and all he could reply was, "I dunno what happened". Well...something to that effect. I was pretty peeved by that time so I just told him the fare before the extras appeared, he seemed pretty compliant, naturally, since he just got caught out!

So people!
Becareful when you are in cabs. Always keep a lookout at your meter just in case there are some out to scam you. I mean $1.10 isnt a lot of money of course, but I dont like to be cheated, do you?
I still remember the cab number. Should I report this? Hmm...

Researching some truths

Well...I did a little investigating myself this morning about my dad's possible form of dialysis. It basically requires him to perform self-dialysis using a solution of glucose and some other things which I cannot recall right now.

It takes 15 mins to drain out the waste liquid and 15 mins to replace the fluid.
Including removing of tubes and switching the clamps etc etc....Maybe 1 hr per session?
So that isnt that bad...but this is what I could gather.
I might be wrong.
:S

Will know once my mom asks the doc.

Other little bits to add on

Which view do you take?
http://www.todayonline.com/articles/170228.asp

Just something for you to think about.

The Holidaying Child Returns to Adulthood

Siiiiigh.
So here I am back again in the office.
All nicely dressed up (despite the pain I still get from my stomach illness; price of being an adult I guess) and ready for a new work year.

For the past 3 weeks I was given the best holiday I had for over a year. I felt like a child with no responsibilities again. Just enjoying my time, having fun, having a good time. There were of course moments when I needed to be the adult again but they were few.

I love to be back home. There was a sort of peace that I never truly found here in Brisbane. A sense that everything will work out fine. It's almost like God knows who I am there and takes special care of me when I am there. It's as if there is a magnifying glass that focuses on me when I am home. I loved it in Singapore; I loved being home.

It's different.
In Brisbane, I got my own little 'family' here as well, but it really is different back there. It is a place where I grew up, a place where my memories are, a place that defines me. I had my first crush there, my first moment of glory, my first heartbreak. Nothing can ever change that.

I now have this constant yearning for something that has been torn out of my heart again. Sitting here in my office, among the people I have grown to like and work with, I feel something missing. A sense of nonsensical bond between them and myself. I don't believe I can ever call myself Aussie. I am Singaporean; I call myself Singaporean, and that's what sets us apart.

This is a place where I work, where I live, where I spend most of my time, but it can never be home.(?)

A Social Divide

I usually dont agree with what most Singaporean politicians have to say but this one actually does go in line with what I personally believe.

Source: http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/240301/1/.html

It basically mentioned the growing social divide within the Singaporean community back home. Where the smart and the successful are given different priorities and privileges as compared to the rest of the nation. How special attention and (almost complete) ego-boosting is given to this "Elite" group in Singapore. I know...I was one of them once.

My personal experiences is when I was in Junior College in Singapore and it was started off with a simple speech that included the line "You are the top 20% of Singapore". It didnt mean much to me at that time but thinking back, we were almost brainwashed into thinking that it was actually true. How wrong was that system? Segregating the youth of the nation into categories such as the Streaming system we used to have and now the "Band" system. Isnt it just another means to seperate the "bad" seeds away from the "good" ones?

This doesnt just stop in the education system of course. Recently, after chatting with a few other Singaporeans over here, I learnt that Singapore was beginning to welcome back Singaporeans who have been overseas for a long time. Ah! But what conditions were attached to this "welcome"? I wondered indeed. I cannot confirm this as yet (and I will attempt to resolve this lack of real info in the near future), but I was led to believe that only the "Elite" and "Talented" are welcomed back. Now isnt that a blatant double standard? If that is true, then it goes against everything I believe. In equal opportunity. If you truly want to welcome people back, it should be open to anyone who wants to...not just selected individuals. They might as well send them personalised letters of invitation and not tell the rest of the world.

It really sucks to be in a world where people give double/triple/multiple standards to different groups. It is a daily struggle even for me but I am more conscious of it these days.

Even something as small as subsidies for student events. Recently, we went down to Canberra for the Singapore Community Day. There was this huge problem with funding in respect for students (sadly I am no longer a student). The system in place now works on giving a fixed amount of subsidy to each student irregardless of where they are. So student from Sydney is given the same amount as one from Brisbane. Now...it seems to make sense until you actually calculate the costs for each individual student. $30 for someone from Sydney can equate to the whole busfare but to someone from Brisbane, it is only perhaps a small fraction of the busfare. Does it make sense?

My idea is (albeit different views from some of the other people in Brisbane) that every student should only need to pay as much as the next student in another state. It makes sense to me. Perhaps it shouldnt just be on the shoulders of the High Commisioner's Office to fund it all but instead work with the local organisations within that state to raise funds for the trip. But in the end, every student should be paying the same amount for the trip to a NATIONAL community event. And with recent changes (still pending) to the plans, if the annual Community day will be moved from state to state, then everyone will have a fair share of having to make the extra effort to raise funds. As long as people are willing to help each other out (a practice lacking in MANY Singaporeans), things do work out.

Just a few tweaks here and there might eleviate the problem of social divides in most countries. I once heard this somewhere and perhaps you'll agree. "If you dont want your people to revolt and rebel, provide them with food, water, shelter. As long as they are not hungry, thristy and have a place to live comfortably, they will not be resentful." (para-phrased of course). What do you think?