A Missing Feeling

Ah! Here we are...the end of another long day.
Highlights of the day:
1. New phone system in the office. Finally got my own number with personalised services. Heheheh!
2. Had lunch (WOOOOOOOOOOOW.....ROFL)
3. Going home soon (Heh...an everyday highlight)

Amidst all these "exciting" things happening...a thought...more like a realisation has been at the back of my mind since last night.
I have been feeling a sense of loss; like something is missing from my everyday life. Perhaps I have finally identified what it is.

I want to fall in love.

Just having someone in my heart again. I think I actually miss the feeling to pine for someone. To secretly hold a flame for someone. To do something special for someone. To feel my heart beat twice as fast when that person is nearby. Even if it means to have the accompanying emotions such as the feeling of unrequited feelings or knowing that that person might never find out. But all that is shadowed by the fact that I am secretly in bliss.

Maybe it is the type of movie, tv, manga or anime that I watch. But such romanticism has always played a part in my life. I need it desperately...almost as much as air. Without it, I might as well be catching my breath or even choke on the lack of it. Maybe it is a feeling I am familiar with. I mean...I have been doing it since who-knows-when. Never really having the courage to profess my feelings; afraid to even try because I know that I'll get rejected.

Nevertheless...I need to have that feeling I think. Like I said...I miss it truly. The feeling in my chest; that void; that monster; might actually be so.

Random Stuff

Sianz ah!!!
My TV still not fixed...not getting my fix of BB...noooooooooo.
UGH.
Tired but not sleepy.
Warm but cold.
Alone and lonely.
ROFL
:P

*****

Your Life is Better Than 38% of All People

Your life can be a bummer at times, but you're on the right track. You may need new friends, a new place to live in, or a new job... But most of all, you need a new outlook. You are your own worst enemy. Start being thankful for what you have - and start working for what you don't.

How Does Your Life Compare?

The Dawn of BB07

Ah yes...it's the time of year again. The time of year when the inner voyeur takes a little peek out of its usual shell of a home. Big Brother is back!
"This is Big Brother"
LOL

Sigh...the weekend was boring as usual.
Chris has been trying to 'drag' me for walks in the evenings to help me get started on physical activities...which isnt bad but I need to get proper walking shoes. My old pair of sneakers are causing me back pains when I walk.

The weekend highlight was on Friday night, when a few of us gathered at Chris's place for a night of boardgames. Another highlight was when I bought a mahjong table from Yuens on Saturday. Sadly I didnt plan to get people over to play so it is now in my living room collecting dust as they say. But I am sure there'll be people over for a couple of rounds soon.

The TV Aerial went down on my floor in the building!!! I was so devastated!!! Big Brother is back on and Sunday was the opening show!!! Talk about pissed!!! Luckily Nadia lives down the road. Heh...so after my SG Club meeting and dinner with Justin, I went over to Nadia's to watch the opening show. Yay!!!

So aside from these little excitements...the rest of the week was pretty much sullen. Just didnt feel happy. Often I recalled the times when I was in uni and the only worries I had were assignment deadlines and what I'll have for the next meal. Ah...the good ol' days. I wish I could get over this rut soon. I think my in-action might be the cause. Or perhaps the inactivity in my personal life.

My heart feels alone. Like a part of itself is not here. Like it is missing something. It has been like that for a while now. I feel alone so often. Its not physical loneliness. Well...in some ways it might be. I want someone to pledge to; someone who'll need me back, and vise versa. I want someone to share my happy moments with, and someone who'll comfort me when I am feeling down. I want someone to care for and to hold in my arms when they need comforting. I want to share my life with someone. All this I want. It isnt a need, but a want. Its a choice I made. But who is this person?

Another weekend over

So another weekend passes like all the others.
When I think back...I dont even know what I did that was constructive.

Wednesday was a little highlight of the week.
The SSA Dance Party was on. Well...it kinda was more of a get-together type of event instead of a Dance Party but it was fun.
Went there early with Madiq and we hung out, chilled, had a few drinks and had a great time catching up with many people. I dunno exactly but I guess that night also gave a little bit of a revelation: Perhaps I have allowed myself to think of the future a bit already. I dunno...it was just a feeling. (very cryptic I know...but I dont wanna talk abt it much)

Took Thursday off cos I really wanted to rest a day to get rid of the flu I caught (which didnt really work out). Ended up having lunch with Nadia and Lindsay, and also bought myself a new and LARGE frying pan. FINALLY...new cookware...lol.

Friday was another day...bored at work but at least it passed quite quickly. We had dinner that night at Hanaichi...UGH...service was bad...food not as good...prices really high...sometimes I wonder why we go there.

And Saturday came...a day I kinda dreaded. It is the day Supanova was held at the RNA again. An annual event which means a little more to me than anyone might even know. It is a day that reminded me of how hollow I can feel. I got my heart torn out on this day...I hate this feeling. Although it is long past...the feeling still lingers. I originally wanted to just go and enjoy myself but I couldnt find anyone who wanted to go...perhaps I didnt ask around enough. But I was feeling lazy as well la. Heh.

That kinda gave the theme for the rest of the day and today as well. Just this gloomy feeling (I wonder if anyone felt it) all around me. I sat at home today in the afternoon just listening to the American Recording of Children of Eden while reading a good magazine. Sang along to some songs on my computer (which brought me some sort of relief) before heading out to Joel's for Creme Brule...mmmm...nice.
Pasta again for dinner but Nadia and Damien didnt come over so I got sooooo much left over...lol. Lunch Settled!

A friend mentioned a heart is needed to do anything. Dont lose it. I agree. Maybe I need a hero to save my heart and perhaps my soul.

Friday the 13th

It only occurred to me when I read an email just now that it is Friday the 13th again.
The 'unluckiest' day of the year has arrived at our doorstep again. But I feel as bad as it already can get. Another 'unlucky' day didn't even affect me one bit.

Was chatting with Justin a few days ago about emotional roller coasters. One thing I mentioned was how I felt everyday. Feeling the extreme emotional ups and downs everyday. It's a cycle that I go through everyday since who-knows-when. I really hate waking up sometimes. I keep it all inside and I already feel like I am about to explode into a million little pieces, and when they finally put the pieces together, they won't find a heart. That part is so far eaten away...it cannot be found.

A little over-dramatic but that's how I feel. Everyday as I go through this cycle of loneliness, emptiness, cheerfulness, sleepiness...a little bit of my heart gets weakened and eaten away by the pain. It's like a part of me is lost everyday. Who knows when before there is nothing left inside.

There probably are people who know what I am talking about. Perhaps they feel the same way everyday. That it's not a matter of having people around you, or knowing that you are loved and cared about. It just the way you feel about your own life and where it is heading. That you wished so much for something to happen but it never came. That even when it finally happens, you're afraid that there is nothing left inside jump for joy.

Life is an unending road for things to happen. It doesn't stop just because you don't want to move forward. It's only that I choose not to do anything alone from now on. But my choice...is not for me to make either. Do you understand me?

A Night Out, A Lunch, A BBQ, Another Night Out & A Driving Lesson

Sounds like a bad title for a movie but this is what I actually did during the Easter Weekend.
But I am sneezing my ass off right now as I type. UGH!
Back to that later.
Let's see...oh yes.

This weekend was the Easter long weekend, which lasted 4 days from Good Friday to Easter Monday. Alicia came back from Sydney for holidays so we brought her out to dinner. We ended up spending a long but very very fun time playing pool and singing our nuts off at the ktv. BEST LA!!! I did a perfect song ok that night...so proud of myself...ROFL.
I was thinking back on how fun it was back in uni cos this was wat we did almost all the time back then...sigh.

Saturday I was invited, together with the usual gang to Auntie Christine and Uncle Martin's place for Easter lunch. It was great...spending time with them, Uncle Kenny and Auntie Roshelle. Chatting...eating....getting to know some of the new students that might form the new committees in their respective unis. We ended up spending most of the day there, which was great cos I wouldn't have known how to spend the rest of the day if we went home straight after lunch. But oh...the memories kept flooding back....sigh....I miss those days.

Sunday was another ROCK'N day. First off to church naturally....then back to Joel's for an Easter BBQ (only after walking all round the city forgetting that all the supermarkets were closed #%#$^$%&@$&).
The burner at the common area was damaged so we went back upstairs to cook the food before going back down for a mid afternoon feast. It was great fun. It was a small world indeed to meet Namit at the BBQ as well. Apparently Namit knew Alicia from days past. It was so bizzare. After that we went over to ours for several rounds of Sing Star before having a packed dinner, and a few more rounds of pool at Fat Louie's.

Finally we arrive on Monday. I was sooooo tired at this stage already. Luckily we didnt really have plans for the day except dinner to send off Alicia. I spent the better part of the day packing up my bathroom. Throwing away old, unused shampoo, old hairgels...etc etc. I even got the old candle back out and burning...hehe...romantic? We then went to Chinatown for dinner and then followed up by coffee and Coffee Club on Albert.

I guess it might be the hectic schedule over the weekend OR the sudden drop in temperature on Monday night, but I woke up this morning sneezing and dying from it. SIGH. But back to work nonetheless. Totally wanted to kill myself la. Needed sleep but stared at the computer for most of the day trying to get the data to tally on screen. Ugh. The only thing that broke the crappiness of the day was my driving lesson at night. Justin offered to let me use his car and teach me driving, which I accepted of course. Heh...fun...although I am soooo not satisfied at how bad I am la. But I shall improve...at lightning speeds if possible. :) License...here I come. ;)

Tarot Fantastico

ROFL ROFL ROFL
Me?!?!?!
ROFL

*****

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

My Angel by Tank

A song that reflects how I feel right now.



Hope you enjoy.
It has english subs...hahaha

*****

專屬天使
作詞：施人誠 / 作曲：Tank / 編曲：呂紹淳

我不會怪妳 對我的偽裝
天使在人間 是該藏好翅膀
人們愚蠢魯莽 而妳纖細善良
怎能讓妳 為了我被碰傷

小小的手掌 厚厚的溫暖
妳總能平復 我不安的夜晚
不敢想的夢想 透過妳的眼光
我才看見 它原來在前方

沒有誰能把妳搶離我身旁
妳是我的 專屬天使
唯我能獨佔

沒有誰能取代妳在我心上
擁有一個 專屬天使
我哪裡還需要 別的願望

小小的手掌 大大的力量
我一定也會 像妳一樣飛翔
妳想去的地方 就是我的方向
有我保護 笑容儘管燦爛

要不是妳出現 我一定還在沉睡
絕望的以為 生命只有黑夜

*****

Zhuan Shu Tian Shi (Tank)

Wo bu hui guai ni,
dui wo de wei zhuang,
tian shi zai ren jian shi gai cang hao chi bang
Ren men yu chun lu mang,
er ni xian xi shan liang,
zen neng rang ni,
wei le wo bei peng shang

Xiao xiao de shou zhang,
hou hou de wen nuan,
ni zong neng ping fu wo bu an de ye wan
Bu gan xiang de meng xiang,
tou guo ni de yan guang,
wo cai kan jian,
ta yuan lai zai qian fang

Chorus
Mei you shui neng ba ni qiang li wo shen pang,
ni shi wo de zhuan shu tian shi,
wei wo neng du zhan
Mei you shui neng qu dai ni zai wo xin shang,
wo you yi ge zhuan shu tian shi,
wo na li hai xu yao bie de yuan wang

Xiao xiao de shou zhang,
da da de li liang,
wo yi ding ye hui xiang ni yi yang fei xiang
Ni xiang qu de di fang,
jiu shi wo de fang xiang,
you wo bao hu,
xiao rong jin guan can lan

Chorus

Yao bu shi ni chu xian,
wo yi ding hai zai chen shui,
jue wang de yi wei,
sheng ming zhi you hei ye

Chorus

Colorgenics

Got this link from Lex's blog. Interesting. Have a go!

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You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

You are very talented, imaginative and sensitive but you are holding back as you do not really like going it 'on your own'. In preference you would like to team up with someone, someone with similar attributes as your own, to explore - to seek out and go perhaps 'where no other man has trod before'. It is the unusual that attracts you and which will give you a sense of excitement and adventure.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

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Haha...I wonder indeed
Interestingly...I realised I might have misplaced an order of a colour and got this instead:

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You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

The way things are at this time is causing you considerable stress and anxiety. Your friends and acquaintances consider you to be - to say the least - difficult and unapproachable. Now it is because of this that you need to find some sort of solution. By doing nothing and waiting for matters to right themselves will only make things worse, but don't rush into making hasty decisions - make haste slowly.

You feel that you deserve far more than is being attributed to you, but there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

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I wonder which is closer

Weird is in the eyes of the beholder

So finally...after taking a break from the blogging world (not including the previous 2 posts), I am back with nonsense all over. This was thanks to Nadia who 'tagged' me apparently and I have to do as the 'rules' state as follows:

These are the rules: Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog!

1. I love instant noodles semi cold. I'll cook them for about 10 mins (instead of the normal 3), pour the soup base and the noodles into a bowl and let the noodles soak up all the soup until they turn all fat. Then I'll let it sit there until it turns a little less hot. Best taste in the world.

2. I talk to myself. Of course, this is often associated with mad scientists and lunatics but hey...it helps me reason out stuff and ward of the loneliness. It lets me believe I am talking to someone. I laugh out loud at the screen when I see something funny even when I am alone and act as if there is another person with me watching it. (This applies only when I am alone of course)

3. I love to cuddle under my blanket with the airconditioning blasting. Its COOL! Having the aircon blasting and then snuggling under the sheets...mmm...best feeling in the world. Naturally...if there was someone snuggling with me...that'll be even better...DUH

4. I daydream alot. And its not just day dreaming about what life might be or what I can do later. But more crazy fantasy/sci-fi stuff that will never happen. Its like a computer game in my head. Or a fantasy movie where anything is possible. Sometimes I am the lead...and others...I am just an observer. (Perhaps I need to write some of these dreams down on paper...haha)

5. I am an enigma when it comes to being alone. I love being alone...the feeling of not being judged or not having to conform to rules is a great thing. I can do almost whatever I want whenever I want. But here comes the weird part...almost at the same time...I wish there was someone here with me all the time. I hate being alone. I grew up isolated from people (perhaps the lack of the feeling of being loved...note: FEELING, not that I wasnt) and all I want is to be loved. So 2 parallels that arent supposed to ever meet but existing at the same time and dimension when it comes to me.

6. I am a girl. ROFL!!! Before you all start going "WAT?!?!?!" Read on. I sometimes feel like it makes more sense if I was born a girl. Dont get me wrong...I am a guy...it works for me...and I like it...sometimes...most of the time. HAHAHA. But I feel that I am too moody and too sensitive about things to be a guy. It takes a lot out of me not to freak out when bad things happen and scream and get all overly excited when good things happen. I love to be pampered (is this normal for everyone? HAHAHA). I like nice clothes (well...whatever fits me works as well) and soft fabrics. Perhaps I am metro to a level? ROFL

Had trouble coming up with number 6 but it got there in the end.
So am I weird? Do tell.
ROFL

Anyways...the six people to be tagged next are:
1. Gavin
2. Dorothy
3. Anthony
4. Amy
5. Shelly
6. aB Lexandria
(I am assuming you dont tag the people from the list of the person who tagged you)

Easy peasy!